It's Toner Time

He lives on.

2012-01-14T11:44:00.001-07:00

Some days, I get messages from Frankie’s old friends telling me how much he meant to them. They are always special encounters or stories that I often know from Frankie telling me, and they often just confirm what I already know. They mostly just tell me about Frankie’s heart, and his love for them and all those around them and how he lives on in them and will always be a reminder to them to be a better person. Rarely do I cry when I read theses messages, but Chiabella was lucky. She knew a side of Frankie that not everyone got to hear or know of. She knew of his sruggles. She knew that his soul was magic, and special, and unrepeatable. Her message was full of caring and her own personal loss and grief. It was full of heart. I am glad Frankie knew you in his life Chiabella.

Thank you for these lyrics, and I cannot wait to hear the song!

I always thought
that angels were up in heaven
I thought they were sent down to us
But I was wrong
And now I know
You’re walking the earth with me
Amongst the angels
Cuz they are the ones in need
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Cuz you live on in me

They lowered a flag
To honor you
But I’ll raise it every day
To remember
Cuz we're the ones who need you
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Cuz you live on in me

I know you’re strolling through oak groves
smelling the ocean in the breeze
With the stars in your eyes
And the stripes on your sleeves
I know you’re more than a memory

You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Because you live on in me
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven

Death is not the end of love

2012-01-03T02:48:00.000-07:00

"I crawl my way back in your head
To hear you speak and dream again
To touch your lips from deep within
A bit like love and heroin
Across the grave invite the bands
Carry well when the world ends
Across you lay, I lose you when you're in my arms
Just like the wind

It's not over, over, over.....It's not over, over, over" - Angels & Airwaves - Crawl Lyrics

The Lonely

2011-12-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

I hate the holidays.
I'm trying so hard, and I don't understand this. I miss Frankie, I miss our life. I miss feeling like I belong to something absolutely incredible here on earth, and like I have to wait to be complete again until I die.
I am lonely. I know everyone will say, but you are never alone...he is always there. I know that, but sometimes missing him just takes over, and I cannot shake that painful feeling.

Christina Perri: The Lonely

Missing U

2011-12-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday nights. There is something that makes this night of the week unbearable. It is a culmination of all the other nights of the week added up without him. It was one of our favorite nights of the week, where after church we would usually pack a lunch and take a stroll down to Lanikai beach, and read our favorite books, or just sit and look out at our favorite place together.

We would go home, and usually head outside to barbecue a delicious dinner and play phase 10. We would just laugh and talk and stare at the stars after eating. Sometimes we would take a dip in the pool. And then we would wind up the night relaxed on the couch or cuddled up in bed ready for another week to start.

I miss our Sundays. I miss every day...but Sundays were always just ours.

Links, links and more links to Frankie's Silver Star Ceremony!

2011-11-15T21:51:00.001-07:00

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Watch:

Frankie's Silver Star Video

On September 23, 2011 Frankie received the Silver Star. This medal was well deserved, and I am so proud of him receiving it! Words really cannot accurately describe that day. It was beautifully done, and everything went so smoothly, which I have the amazing Civil Engineer Corps Headquarters in D.C. to thank for it going off without a hitch. Admiral Mullen, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, presented the award to Frankie. Him and his wife Debbie have been an amazing support system to me, and I have been fortunate to become rather close to them. Frankie has made some amazing things happen, and meeting them was one of them. The ties I have made with people since Frankie's death has been incredible. Somehow he still manages to bring amazing people together and I know that these meetings have not happened by circumstance. Frankie somehow managed to bring all of our paths together and I am continually proud to call him my husband, my soul-mate, my best friend, and the best person that I have ever met.

A nice news article:

http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=65448

Full video of the presentation:

Part I:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRnURmNm8SE

Part II:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJu74-7mbjI

This was a day to never forget, and I am just so proud of Frankie.

2011-10-29T19:11:00.002-06:00

OK! Fine... I'll admit it:

I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it. I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy. Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.

I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt. It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan. 6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while. Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be. It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.

But, I know that I won't, I haven't. I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me. I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me. I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable. I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die. But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

5 Years

2011-08-20T10:06:00.001-06:00

Frankie's Grammy is amazing. She was the first family member I met of Frankie's. Her and Grandpa Roger. They have so much love for one another, and I loved Grammy's hugs and Grandpa Roger's winks when he would tease me. Less than a year into dating Frankie, Grandpa Roger had surgery, and unexpectedly died during his recovery. He loved Frankie so much. He attended every Kings Point football game of Frankie's, and spent summer's with him when Frankie was young. He adored him.

Grammy, Frankie's siblings, cousins, and Grandpa peeking through

Grandpa Rogers funeral was only the 3rd I had ever attended and the only one where I really knew the person. He was an amazing man, with an amazing love. I remember feeling so sad for Grammy knowing that the love they shared was one she would wait for until she saw him again.

Frankie stood and spoke at the funeral service wearing his academy uniform that Grandpa Roger was so proud to see him in. Grandpa Roger served in World War II. Frankie and I spoke with him about his military service only once. We were out at one of his favorite steak restaurants, and we asked him about that time. Grandpa Roger told us his duty was on the front lines running the communication lines for the men fighting so they could keep in contact with one another. He was literally one of the first ones heading into battle. We saw his eyes glaze over with tears, and could almost see the images that he must have seen, but he did not talk about them. Ever.

I think of him and Grammy often. I thought of Grandpa Roger during our wedding and felt his love there with us. I think of them on our wedding anniversary because every time I look at my ring, I think of the true love they share and the love I share with Frankie. They both gave us the most amazing gift. The gift of a true example of what it means to love eternally. Grammy gave me her wedding band with a note just before Frankie and I got married. I wear it with so much pride, and always will.

Grammy knows how much love Frankie and I share. She gave me another gift right after Frankie's funeral. It is a necklace with a swallow on it from a company called DoDo. It's meaning: Come back to me

One of my favorite quotes I have lived by since Frankie died reminds me of this necklace:

"Be like a bird

That pausing in her flight

A while on boughs to light,

Feels them give way

Beneath her and yet sings,

Knowing that she hath wings."

-Victor Hugo

I know Frankie cannot come back to me physically. Although, I hope on occasion he is able to see what I am up to and is able be here in spirit.
There is one thing I have put my faith in on this beautiful journey of life. And that is that I am working my way back to Frankie --- I am growing wings, and moving forever forward in this life and beyond to be with him. I feel him saying Come back to me, my love.
I know the only way to do that is to put one foot in front of the other and live this life fully for not only myself, but for Frankie. To give to others, to keep my faith at the forefront, to exemplify happiness, joy and love, to make new goals and accomplish them even though it is very hard to do that sometimes, and to walk up these uneven, well-worn stairs of faith in this life in front of me.

Forever forward, Forever upward, I keep telling myself. I will keep going. Until we meet again. I'm coming back to you, my love ----and our reunion is going to be such an amazing one.

Happy Anniversary baby, thank you for being the biggest blessing to me in my life, and beyond.

BodyRocker

2011-07-13T22:22:00.001-06:00

I am proud to be a BodyRocker! http://www.bodyrock.tv/

I wrote to Zuzana and Freddy, who I discovered last year, just to thank them for their amazing workouts they post online, and other great tips. It has now become an everyday habit doing her awesome workouts. She shared my e-mail online with the rest of the bodyrock community, and the support has been so incredible. I am so thankful for the motivation that this has given me to accomplish all of my workout goals.

I have loved reading all of the comments, and am so inspired by all of the people who I know are pushing themselves to be their best all around the world, and who I know will continue to motivate me. Feeling good....Now time to work it!! :)

http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/07/11/brave-bodyrocker-brooke/

2011-06-21T00:45:00.000-06:00

"A portion of your soul has been
entwined with mine
A gentle kind of togetherness, while
separately we stand.
As two trees deeply rooted in
separate plots of ground,
While their topmost branches
come together,
Forming a miracle of lace
against the heavens."

Baby, I have just been so thankful for your soul lately and all it has given me. In the times where I have needed you the most, you have been here. On the days, I just want to quit, you have gently reminded me that you are here. I miss you so much, but in my soul you always stay. You have found a way to reach into my heart and have kept me going strong and full of love and life. And without you physically here, that in itself is a miracle.
Together forever we will stand, and our souls will never part.

I am so in love with you. You are my best-friend, my soul-mate, my heart.

I love you more and more with each setting sun, and I know you are with me always.

Love, Your Wifey

Today

2011-06-08T01:08:00.000-06:00

Today, I learned how to ride Frankie's motorcycle.

Turning the key, and having it start was music to my ears after not hearing it for nearly three years.

I am so happy he had the chance to have that before he died and that we lived every day to the fullest.

Today I am thankful for great friends, and people who motivate me to be more and do more.

Today I am thankful for finding out Frankie is receiving a Silver Star.

A much deserved honor...

and even though it does not bring him back to me,

it just makes me even more proud (if that is even possible).

Today I am blessed with an amazing family, who I love being around...even if it means staying in Idaho for a while. I am thankful that Idaho is actually growing on me...

Today, I am ready to take on new challenges and work hard for an amazing cause.

Today --- and tomorrow, and the days that follow....I will be thankful, and I will be hopeful.

The Biggest Loser :)

2011-05-06T23:42:00.000-06:00


Image and quote borrowed from American Widow Project's Weekend Wisdom.

“If you try anything, try to live, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don’t work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!”
-Sarah Dessen

Well....I didn't win the 12-week challenge. Not even in my category. I was somewhat disappointed, but proud at least to have made it to the finals. I know that I am feeling better, and will continue to work hard at the goals I have set for myself.

I have heard from several people that they thought I should have won, at least in my category, but I guess you can't force people to make the right decisions! :) haha. I really did make a huge transformation, and am proud of where I am, and where I am headed.

I am still as motivated as ever on this healthy lifestyle. Although, in New Orleans I caved a couple of times eating things I probably shouldn't have....but man, that southern food. And those macaroons...yummmmm!

I have been through so much the past two years, that just signing up and completing the challenge was good enough for me. (Shhhhh...hush down competitive side...Second place is not the first loser)! :)

But really, it is so nice to see pictures of myself and not hate looking at it. I felt so disgusting before and am glad that I am getting back to who I am, and in more ways than just weight loss....I am feeling more motivated in so many aspects of life, and that is what it is all about.

I will take a picture of my before and after and may even consider posting it on here....maybe :)

Renewed

2011-05-06T01:15:00.003-06:00

I spent this past weekend in New Orleans with 14 other military widows. I have had some time to process the whole weekend. and just wanted to share with you a little bit of what I have come away with from the AWP Give Back Getaway.

I was interviewed by CNN while we were doing work on a house for a woman named Tanya, who literally lost everything because of Hurricane Katrina. She lost her home, her health, her financial means, and her community, all because of the devastating affects of a storm, and a breaking levee.

During the interview I was asked several questions, but the one that stood out was...How does coming and serving this community with the AWP help you with your loss?

At the time it was a difficult question to answer. I knew the two were tied together, and I know that serving others helps to take my burdens away, but it was so much more than that. Here we were...a group of 15 military widows, helping rebuild the life of another person. We did not lose the roofs over our heads, but we did lose our sense of home, our sense of belonging and our sense of safety, when we lost the person who we love the most.

By helping Tanya rebuild her home together, we were rebuilding ourselves as well. We were working together for the common good of humanity, and trying to get a sense of that goodness back as well.

When we went to a homecoming celebration for a family moving back in to their rebuilt home it all came together for me. One of the St. Bernard Project volunteers was saying a few words and what he said really struck a chord. He said that it was amazing that volunteers like us, nearly 6 years later were continuing to come to New Orleans and that we are the true heroes. We are the ones who have not forgotten the people of New Orleans and their struggle. In reality, it is not even myself or the other volunteers, it is the amazing people who envisioned the organization for volunteers to be able to continue to come make a difference with direction. They saw the need, and their vision and heroic efforts made the St. Bernard Project what it is today.
It made me think of how people so easily forget devastation. If they are not directly affected by it, their lives move on just as they always did. They might add it to their prayers, or just see it on the news the week afterwards, but then....Nothing. It is tucked away in their minds and forgotten. Even I do that, and did do that with Hurricane Katrina. It took seeing it with my own eyes, the continuing struggle of the people there.

Sometimes it feels the same way with the wars that we are fighting overseas. One of my biggest fears is that people will just simply forget Frankie, and will not talk about him 5, 10, 15 years down the road. And even though no one can heal me, or rebuild a home for me...they can mention him, talk about who he was when he was alive. That is healing for me. And the best people I have found to talk about him with are other military widows. They have brought me back into this life, and taught me so much, and have made me realize that my journey is my own. They have helped to sand away some of the rough edges that built up in my soul after Frankie was killed, and I know they will never forget, because they have experienced a loss as big as mine....

So, how did this weekend help me with my loss? It reminded me to keep hope, and to be positive, and to always look for the good in people just how Frankie always did, because somewhere along their path in life they have known struggle. It reminded me that humanity still exists, and there is so much good to be done in this world...we just have to keep our minds and hearts open to it, and not forget about those around us.

I am so thankful for the American Widow Project. It was truly inspired by love...true, unconditional love, that continues to be shared by all those who choose to be involved.

One of those days

2011-04-19T22:45:00.001-06:00

I have so much to catch up on with blogging, like Frankie's amazing bridge, my 12-week challenge results, and getting through the two year anniversary, but I tried starting those blogs today and realized...

That today just sucks. There is no other way to put it. I miss Frankie so much. I laid down last night and felt so alone. I woke up feeling the same way. It has been hard to smile today, and to put on my happy face.

It hurts today. My whole being aches for for Frankie. My void is so deep, that I feel like nothing can get me out of it. But that is just today....Or is it? Because tonight, I will go to sleep alone, and tomorrow I will wake up alone....
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next.

4 years and 8 months baby. I miss our monthly wedding anniversary dates. I hope tomorrow will be better.

ONE

2011-03-19T23:57:00.001-06:00

When Frankie and I first started dating in March of 2003, we fell in love so fast. It was just so natural and perfect. It was as if my whole life led up to that moment of meeting him about 7 months before, becoming good friends, and him developing feelings for me that I was unaware of...until that first weekend we spent alone together. I kept telling myself we were "just friends" going on a snowboarding trip together and staying over at his Grammy and Grandpa's.

Even when we cuddled a bit on the couch watching Braveheart, he put his arm around me, and asked me if it was OK. I enjoyed it, but kept insisting we were only friends. I fell asleep with his arm around me. I remember waking up as the movie was almost over. He was still awake and just looking at me. He smiled and said I looked so cute sleeping. We went upstairs to go into our separate bedrooms, but we ended up in the bathroom brushing our teeth together. We just brushed and smiled and looked at each other. It could have been awkward, but I got the feeling that we would be brushing our teeth together more often. And then he asked me to spend the next weekend with him. He did not want me to be alone on Easter weekend, since I had not planned a trip home. Easter with his family. It was wonderful.

From there our relationship blossomed. It was so easy. We were great friends, becoming best-friends, and we had so many special moments in the first few weeks. Our love story was finally coming true; we had found one another and it felt like we knew one another forever. And from the moment we kissed..we just felt the magic between us. We knew we were made for one another. I remember a few days after Easter, I was dropping Frankie off at his school. Both of us did not want to part. It was a warm night, with a misty rain. I remembered a baseball field not to far from his school. I went and parked, and grabbed a blanket from the back of my car. We went to the middle of the field and just talked and laughed in the drizzle. We kissed our second time, and it was... to say the least, spectacular. I remember Frankie got a little uncomfortable, like he wanted to say something, but was holding back. So, he said..."If there was a ever a moment to tell you I love you...this would be it." Then he got even more uncomfortable and was like.. "Does that freak you out?" Without any hesitation, I said, "No, not at all. And you are right, this would be a perfect time." So without saying it, because we knew how serious those three words of "I LOVE YOU" are, we both knew that this was it! We had found each other. We were up talking until dawn, and then we went and got hot chocolate at Dunkin' Donuts.

This was only about 2 1/2 weeks into us seeing one another. It was unexplainable, but it was as if lighting struck and from there on out, our commitment was unwavering. Those feelings literally never weakened during our six years together. If anything it was enhanced. Those butterflies got stronger, and we would just look at one another and wonder how we were so blessed.

We had known we were similar when we were friends, but we quickly discovered we were just like one another. Weird, outgoing, friendly, adventurous...I had always dreamed of someone like this, but did not think it was possible to meet him.

With Frankie there was never any fear. When we finally said, "I love you" about a month and a half later, it was perfect. We just knew that this was it. It is almost impossible to explain.

This time of year, I am always reminded of our first snowboarding outing. I always think of those first wonderful times that led to what we have now...eternal love. I always had dreamed of meeting the perfect man for me...and without any doubt Frankie and I were each other's dreams coming true.

I have so many wonderful memories that outweigh the bad this time of year. It was exactly the same weekend 6 years later when Frankie gave his life for his friends. Next weekend will be tough coming up on two years of Frankie's death. I have been really emotional, and this month has been a tough one for me.

I really cannot describe how it feels...but there is one thing that I know. Frankie is my one and only. Always has been, always will be.

I had written this poem a long time ago...even before I met Frankie. I always wanted to find the man to give it to. It belongs to Frankie and I am so blessed that I had the chance to give it to him.

ONE

You are the one for me

The one I love so honestly

I want you to know

I'll be there for you

Love you like a lady should

You don't have a clue

How much I love you

I see forever in your gaze

My soul in your heart

An eternity of love

With the best start

Take my heart and make it yours

You are my best friend for sure

My eyes locked to your strength

In your arms I'm so secure

I don't think I understand

That we'll always be

Or you will ever know

How much you mean to me

Our "first song"

2011-03-03T01:11:00.000-07:00

So, when Frankie and I first started dating, he did not have a car because he was at a military academy. No cars allowed until their senior year. I quickly became his sugar mama, ride giving lady. That's right! Mmmhmmm :)

On our first trip alone together, we were driving up to his Grammy's before heading snowboarding the following morning. We were in my radio-less car. It was really awesome actually because we did not need the radio at all. Well, at some point during the ride, I started humming a song. Frankie was like....whoa! What song is that?

I told him and apparently he sang it almost every morning to himself and his roommate for the past little while, and never knew who it was. Both of us had not heard it forever, but would always randomly sing it. Brainwaves...maybe! It is a soul-mate thing, I swear!

So, I literally have not heard this song since I have been with Frankie and it was definitely a few years before he was killed. And we only heard it maybe twice together...besides when we would bust out singing it at random times.

Well, tonight, after a not-so-great day...I heard it! The timing was just right. I had unplugged my i-pod from my car stereo...which rarely (never) happens. I turned it to a random station and on came that song. It ended just as I pulled up to the gym. Perfect timing.

I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I busted out the song like how I would when Frankie and I sang it together. I had a huge smile on my face, and I said..."Hey baby." It was just as if he was right next to me, smiling and remembering "Our first song." I got those familiar chills that make it feel as if he was right there with me in spirit.

And tomorrow, I will wake in the morning, and step outside, take a deep breath...and just keep on breathing knowing he is right there....always.

And this is the first time I have EVER watched this video. It is pretty strange...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc

One month down! 8 weeks to go!

2011-02-19T22:03:00.001-07:00

Well, one month has flown by! I can say that I am looking better and feeling better. I have lost some poundage, inches, and quite a bit of body fat percentage, and am getting really excited about the next couple of months...and even after.

I have been working out consistently 6 days a week and going really hard. At least 2-3 hours a day.
I know 2 hours sounds like a lot, but for me 2+ hours is necessary. Every exercise I do serves its purpose. Back in the day, I would work out whenever I could between work and school, and on Saturdays I would do my own solo triathlons just for fun. So, sometimes I got in 3-4 hours of working out a day. When people say they do not have time for it... I say baloney! Even if it is just a couple of times a week, for 30 minutes. There IS time!

Of course, I do not have a job right now, or kids, so I could work out for 8 hours if I wanted to. :) But, when I was working, going to school, and being an awesome girlfriend and wifey, I just made time for it. I would study while doing cardio on the treadmill, or sometimes even coerce my boss into doing a fitness video with me. And of course, Frankie was a fitness phenom, so we worked out all the time together. And if we weren't working out, we were snowboarding, rock-climbing, playing volleyball, ping-pong, basketball, swimming, surfing, or trying some other fun sport! We motivated one another perfectly.

This 2+ hours does not include my walks with my puppy wuppy doo doo. Those are usually around 30 - 45 minutes. On Sunday, I try to take it easy, but take a much longer walk/jog with Kai.

On top of that, I hired a personal trainer, who has given me a workout plan and some really fun, but really tough workouts a couple of times a week, and he is just really awesome. He knows I am really serious about this, and has actually mentioned once I lose the weight that I should do a fitness competition. He does them....and I can see that being a good goal, but first I have to lose 30+ pounds! ha!

It really has not been hard at all. It is amazing how much more energy I have. Even when I am not working out, I feel like I need to be doing something. Besides my intense workouts, I am eating the right balance of foods that my body is fueled the best by. I have always eaten clean, healthy, organic foods, but the last couple of years it has been hard to consistently feed myself right. My metabolism went all crazy because I started eating less frequently, and that on top of stress did me in. Now, I know that for me, I have to stay consistent.

I am not one of those girls who can get away with light workouts, and sort of eating healthy. I have to be all in. So, I am all in for the long-term! 8 weeks are going to fly-by, but even after that, I am so excited to maintain and even get better over time. Frankie and I were immensely inspired by Don Wildman. Seriously, if you have the time, click on his name and read the article about this man! Both Frankie and I aspired to be like him when we were old! I want to get back in shape so I can keep having more adventures like the ones Frankie and I had together.

I felt like I had lost a huge piece of who I was by not working out consistently. I absolutely love it. Always have. Now, there is no stopping me! It is so amazing because I had the drive to workout before Frankie died, but now it feels so different. Sometimes my workouts are pretty insane, but I smile the whole time because I know I push myself harder because of how blessed I feel to still have my body and spirit together. I am amazed really at all that our human form is capable of and know that Frankie would want me to use it to the up-most of it's abilities. I know he smiles every time I think to myself "Can't is a bad word." And of course his favorite, "Pain is only weakness leaving the body."

This is just for my own personal motivation :) Every time I run, I think of this in my head!

I feel amazing. Man, I missed this feeling. Can't wait for another good workout tomorrow. :)

Happy

2011-02-15T00:00:00.001-07:00

Frankie and I always got each other cards. Usually 2 or 3 at a time because we liked funny ones and weird ones, and serious ones. We always gave each other random cards during the year. But, I went through all of our Valentine ones this morning. I love them all for different reasons, but this one just summed up so much of of what I feel every day. And Frankie would always fill up the whole other side of my cards with the most loving words.
Frankie and I were always so blissfully happy because we had each other. And even now I feel that bliss because I know he is around me always. Today I could not help but just celebrate our love even more than I always do. I saw a few things during the day where I knew he was with me, and I couldn't help but smile because I knew he was next to me...making me happy. Man, I love my husband so much. It is amazing how it is so strong, and even stronger through all of this.

I have put the following that Frankie wrote to me on my blog before....but I love it so much, and it is the perfect thing for me that sums up our never-ending love. Happy Valentine's Day!

Brooke,

There is an ocean which no eye can see the end. There are no sides, no beaches, no banks, or beds - Just water that continues forever. Within this sea that has no end there is just two people. Just you and me - swimming and splashing, laughing and kissing. I hold you close as I lift my hand from the water we watch the water drip off my skin and it goes back to the ocean drop by drop. I look into your eyes so blue and true to me and say - "Each drop that must fall to fill this ocean is from my heart and each one is a piece of my love I have for you. As you can see it is never-ending. Never. With each passing unit of time my sea of love deepens for you Brooke. I love you."
Love,
Frankie

Heart Break

2011-02-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am getting that feeling. That overwhelming build up of emotions inside. My eyes brimming with tears. Missing my love so much. That tightening of my chest, because I feel my heart snap again from the pain.
"I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower’s stem." — Diana Gabaldon

I miss his laugh so much. I miss all the silly things I would do, just to make him laugh. To see those eyes light up with love for me, is better than watching the most gorgeous sunrise or sunset I could ever imagine. I loved it when he would just look at me, and then he would take a deep breath, and I would realize I had stopped breathing too, and we would both just breath in...and no words had to be said, because it was just so right.

And now my tears have fallen, and I will go to sleep, on my tear stained pillow with hopes of dreaming of his eyes looking into mine.

And tomorrow I will awake, and I will pick up the broken pieces and gather my broken heart, again... and I will choose to smile and will continue to dream and hope for what will be, with our eternal love guiding me...

12 Week Challenge

2011-01-18T01:26:00.002-07:00

12 Week Challenge.

In January 2009, the gym I went to held a challenge for its members to sign up to lose weight and get into better shape. I signed up thinking it would be a perfect opportunity for me to lose the weight I had gained from eating dessert every night with Frankie. Plus, Frankie would be getting home just before the challenge had ended, so I would be looking good for his R&R, and the prize money would pay for our amazing vacation I had planned.

Well, then March 27th happened, and with just a few weeks before the final weigh in, I was planning my husbands funeral instead and the challenge fell by the wayside. I stood a really good chance of winning, and had worked really hard to completely transform my body, but now....all that did not matter AT ALL. Even though I would have probably won from the additional 15 pounds I lost after Frankie was killed, I honestly could care less about it.

Now, two years later, I am signing up again at the end of this week. I usually do things like this without too many people knowing, but I have been lacking motivation lately, and have never really needed help in this area, until now. I love(d) working out, but it just has not seemed important to me lately. So, I am putting it out there into the blog universe that I am going to get my butt into gear and I am actually really excited to get back to the gym, and feel those endorphins lifting my mood.
Trust me, I need it.

I am looking forward to feeling better, and looking better, and I can't wait to capture that top prize!

And I will NOT be posting before pictures --- :) No way, no how. I will keep you updated on my progress though!

Tough

2011-01-03T02:24:00.000-07:00

Warning!!! This post has some disturbing photos! :)

So, I made it through into the new year. Past my second year of holidays. It is hard to say it is 2011. It is tough knowing that Frankie missed all of 2010 and most of 2009. It is even more difficult going to family holiday functions alone and having them afraid to mention Frankie, and looking through family albums and seeing my beautiful sisters all having the lives I somewhat imagined. I am over-joyed for them, but it is tough. All of it. I know Frankie's love has gotten me this far. But, I have realized that one of the many reasons he chose me, is because he knows how strong I am. How even though life and things may be tough....I AM TOUGHER!! He knows how strong my commitment is to him and I know how much he cannot wait to see me again.

He knows that even though this course on the the rest of my race in life is going to sometimes be like trudging through thick mud with giant blisters on my heels.........I will not quit!!

I am tougher than that.

We did the Marine Corps Swamp Romp in Hawaii, which is a grueling 5.2 mile course, that includes going over and under barriers, a portion of running on the beach, an ocean swim and low crawls. These blisters formed well within the first mile. Frankie wanted me to stop so he could check them out, when I complained about my heels hurting, but I did not want him to see it because I knew it was bad, and he wouldn't have let me continue. I had to finish the race. And I did --- With a huge smile on my face.

The pain of missing him will not stop me. I will not look back to see how difficult the path has been. I will continue to look forward. I will finish the race, embrace the pain, the joy, our love, and I hope to be smiling the whole way, because I know what my reward will be:

Happy New Year everyone! Let's make it a good one! We can do it!

Let's make our loves proud!

Can you hear me now?

2010-11-20T00:33:00.001-07:00

Today, I had to go get a new phone, since mine has been having issues for a while now.

I was changing some of the details of our plan, to lower the monthly payment. Frankie's line has been suspended since October 18, 2008. His name is still the main name on the account. His phone is still the primary number. His super-secret password is still needed to gain access.

The guy helping me was super nice, and we were laughing a lot, and he was newly married in San Diego (same as Frankie and I). When he started asking questions about the suspended line because it was giving him trouble in making changes to the account and about Frankie, I had to fill him in. "My husband is deceased. We suspended his line before he went overseas to Afghanistan. He was killed over there."

He gently asked, "Would you like me to cancel his line? His name will still be on the account, until you provide documentation, but we can remove that line, if you want?"

My stomach started feeling sick, and that question felt so heavy. I mean, why would I not cancel it? It would make sense to right? But, why was it making me feel this way? Maybe because that line signifies in a very small way the joining of our lives together --- What couples do after they get married: joint phone account, joint bank account, joint e-mail, for us even a joint facebook.
This means that his line no longer exists. His phone number that we spent countless hours on could belong to someone else. I can't call him anymore, ever again.

"Yes.... You can cancel it."

He politely said, "You can leave it on if you would like." I think he saw my light attitude diminish for a second.

I said, "No, I just haven't had the heart to do it myself, but obviously I don't need it."

It just got me thinking about how much I miss talking to Frankie, hearing his sweet voice and his amazing laugh. It feels like forever ago since we last talked. We upped our minutes while he was gone from 700 to 1400. We used them all every month, and sometimes went over. Now, I only average around 400, if that.

I miss our amazing, deep, funny, loving conversations, about everything. I miss hearing his voice crack and him trying not to cry over how much he missed me. Yes, Frankie would cry. :) He wasn't the type to hold back how he was truly feeling. I love that about him.
I miss my husband. I just miss him so much.

I will still talk to him minus phone line --- at least we cut costs. :)
Trying to look at the bright side. bleh! :( And the bright side really sucks most times, and is actually pretty dark lately.

4 years and 3 months baby and 33 minutes! I love you and miss you so much. Hope to talk to you in my dreams.
Forever yours, B

Thankful

2010-10-29T01:09:00.001-06:00

Our favorite photo, that we always carried with us anytime we were away from one another. We thought it was the perfect photo to have at our wedding.

After Frankie was killed, I had to go back to Hawaii to take care of our belongings ---
I decided to stay for six months to be by myself away from everyone. Hawaii was home for our first two years of married life. Our paradise. Our blessing of a duty station. Moving back was my way of trying to find healing, to be in a place that we loved so much and to force myself to face doing things on my own again.

I did the things we would have done, only solo most of the time. The grief was overwhelming and made me fear what was ahead sometimes, but all I had to do was go to a place I loved, or a place Frankie would have loved, (usually one in the same) and I would feel better. The beach, a hike, to the movies, out to dinner, take a swim in the ocean, on a bike ride, or a long run. It was strange at first doing everything on my own, but I thought --- well... I better get used to it, because I knew long before he was killed that if anything ever happened to one of us, we were still married for time and all eternity. We talked about it once, after a grand-parent had passed, when we were only a few months into dating, and we both locked eyes, tears formed --- and we both said without saying it that we would wait... while our heads nodded in agreement. It was too difficult even then to imagine life without one another, and six years later even more unbearable to fathom.

I lived in a different town on a different shore of the island, only because I found a beautiful, safe place to live, and I know Frankie would have been adamant about me finding somewhere with a gated complex, security, a parking garage, and a dead-bolt lock; all on the highest floor, of course.
He was always nervous about me being alone. I have always been very independent, with a good head on my shoulders. I moved to New York at 17 just after graduating high school by myself, but Frankie never wanted anything to happen to me while he was away... I think it was his worst fear --- I know exactly how he felt.

So here I was alone --- without Frankie --- but with him too. With him in our love, and in our memories. It was such a difficult time for me, but a beautiful time for me as well. I learned so much more about how our love truly would never fade and how I know without a doubt that our marriage is eternal. I learned that he is with me where ever I choose to take him. I learned that my heart, though shattered at the thought of facing this life without him, would make it through, and that it was because of the gift of him that I am able to feel peaceful and somehow content at facing the deepest void a human being can possibly feel. I felt that peace almost immediately, and always in my darkest hours.

I learned that our love, our beautiful gift of love from God would always give me joy, and that I have so much to be thankful for. So much beyond description really. I learned I will take Frankie with me everywhere I go. Any path I choose to take is mine for the taking, because I know he wants me to experience this life as fully as possible, and I know he will be waiting and preparing for my return, and then we will know true paradise and we will be home together forever.
And I know he will be proud that I did it by myself --- all alone....but not really.

I am so in love with you Frankie. I can't wait to take your love everywhere with me.

Frankie would have loved it here --- so I had to take a semi-illegal photo... :)

Travel

2010-10-19T13:59:00.000-06:00

trav·el (trvl)

v. trav·eled or trav·elled, trav·el·ing or trav·el·ling, trav·els

v.intr.

1. To go from one place to another, as on a trip; journey.

2. To go from place to place as a salesperson or agent.

3. To be transmitted, as light or sound; move or pass.

4. To advance or proceed.

5. To go about in the company of a particular group; associate: travels in wealthy circles.

6. To move along a course, as in a groove.

7. To admit of being transported without loss of quality; Some wines travel poorly.

8. Informal To move swiftly.

I could not have asked for better travel companions next to Frankie. Traveling with a group of military widows is the way to go. None of us take life for granted. Somehow, we manage to brighten up every situation we are in, and people are drawn to us like bees to blooming flowers. We make friends of complete strangers, and a night out on the town is spent taking in the sights and sounds and laughing out loud, and not wanting to waste a second of any day. We are willing to take risks, and go our own way if something is not working. Our love for our husbands pounds in our hearts and we know they are with us every step of the way.

They are willing to listen to my millions of stories of Frankie and continue to ask more questions about him when others won't even mention his name. And, when we have those tender moments thinking about our loves, we know that shedding a few tears is good for the soul, and no one can quite grasp the immense pain behind those tears, besides each other.
I am so thankful for making such great friends.

I cannot wait for our next trip! Somewhere warmer next time! :)

Funny Travel Story:

Me speaking to retried military man and wife on airplane after he noticed my bracelet,
I tell him about Frankie being killed.
He asks me if I am dating again, or if it is too soon?

I say, No, and I know that I never will and that Frankie is still my husband and that death does not stop love.
Man looks skeptical.

Later in the conversation, I ask him if him and his wife have children after he asked me the same question... I answer the same way every time: No, unfortunately. They decided to never have any children.
I tell him I got a fur baby.
He brightens up all excited and says that they had the same dog for 18 years. They rescued him, and he tells me he was the perfect dog. He never bit, peed in the house, he loved people, and was like their child. After losing him they knew that he could never be replaced because there could never be a more perfect dog.
They never even considered getting another pet.

Me not being able to help myself say: Sounds like me with my husband! :)

Light - Chested

2010-09-27T20:45:00.001-06:00

I hope your birthday yesterday in heaven was fabulous. I hope we made you proud. Your love continues to spread into all of our lives.

It is amazing how one day can be so amazing, and then there are days like today where the realization hits that Frankie was killed only 18 months ago today. Today had its ups and downs. I shared laughs and tears at lunch with Amanda (Frankie's sister) and an amazing friend I met who he trained with at Fort Riley. Dinner was spent with good friends we made in Hawaii.... but there was a cloud on the whole day, because it is the 27th. It was hard to lift that cloud. It is hard knowing that when I drive to the cemetery, that I will be doing this the rest of my life, until I am in the grave with him.

A year and a 1/2. It feels so long ago. Today I found out more information about how Frankie was killed. Facts I did not know, or that were somehow skipped in the investigation report. How am I just finding this out? It is tough to take in, but I am even more proud of him. He is a hero, and deserves the highest honor that I will fight my entire life to get for him if I have to. A year and a half later, my love --- ugh.

I love him more today than last.

I will love him forever.

So far it is not easier, and sometimes I wonder how breath continues to fill my lungs.

And I know it comes from him. From the love he breathes into me.
And when I feel it, my love, my heart beats so fast and so hard I get all "light - chested" like we used to say, and I know you are here, and I know that you will continue to fill me with your love all of my life.

That smile on my face now is from the love I have been so blessed to feel.
That motivation to continue comes with the hope that I will live my life to reach you someday.

I miss you Frankie. I love you. As you did to me --- I will make you so proud.

Missing You ---

2010-09-20T20:40:00.000-06:00

Missing you, by Jem.

Forever Forward

2010-09-10T13:17:00.001-06:00

I saw this poem on another blog and wanted to post it on mine:

"It isn't letting go

its going on.

It isn't only shadows

and it isn't only dawn.

It isn't GETTING THROUGH IT

...it's letting it come through me,

not living in the darkness

though the darkness I can see.

Its living with the sorrow

but finding memories sweet.

Its knowing that it takes both sides

to make it all complete.

It's soaking up the sunshine

along with the rain

Its learning to let laughter

live side by side with pain.

Its knowing that the past

won't change a love that's real

or take away the joy you brought

or the sorrow that I feel.

Its knowing tears and laughter

can live on the same face,

and your impression on my heart

can never be erased."

The only part I don't really like, is the beginning about going on. I hate anything with the connotation of "life goes on" or "moving on"
I understand that life goes on, trust me.... when it felt like the world should have stopped moving...It didn't.....
but for me it is about moving forward --- trying to embrace life again, with all that has been taken from me for now.
I am trying to keep that all-important eternal perspective. I like to say I am moving
FOREVER FORWARD.
And somehow I know Frankie is always by my side, and will be my side
physically again.

"And so make life, and death, and that vast forever one grand sweet song."
- Charles Kingsley

With every setting sun my love grows for you Frankie. A hui hou!

Happiness -- by me.

2010-08-25T01:27:00.001-06:00

"People think they know you. They think they know how you're handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know what's going on inside your head--the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and pain. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better.
Everybody but you."

— William H. Woodwell, Jr.

It is amazing really how so many scatter and disconnect from the grieving. It is almost like a separate loss after already losing everything. After Frankie's burial, we had a beautiful gathering, where everyone just got up if they felt like it and said a favorite memory, or a funny story about something they did with Frankie. There were some tears, but mostly laughing out loud at the crazy things Frankie would do, or praising him for his amazing qualities.
I remember when his Dad got up, he asked everyone who was there not to forget me, and then had them raise their hands if they would be here to support me in the long-run.

EVERYONE raised their hands --- and at that moment, it felt great --- I felt a little reassured.

But now, most of those hands are just blurs of a broken promise. Not all, but most.

I say I am doing fine, or great... and they pretend to believe me. Or they just don't care enough to even find out.

Sorry, I usually try to keep things pretty positive on here, for Frankie ---
And for me, but this is such a strange reality for me.

I am a widow --- not a leper.

I am amazed by this concept really, and frustrated, but I have learned there are amazing people out there and I have learned to rely on them ---

But mostly, I have learned to rely on myself, and on our love.

I have learned to raise my hand, for my own happiness --- and am eternally grateful for Frankie's unconditional love and for the people who have helped me when my arm feels weak.

Happy Anniversary

2010-08-20T01:23:00.000-06:00

As this day ends, I think of where Frankie and I were four years ago. Just married, starting our amazing honeymoon, and the rest of our amazing lives together.

Who would have thought this would be the hand we would be dealt?

The pain of this is indescribable. Missing him on this day, where we looked into each other's eyes and vowed to God and to one another, a sacred promise to love eternally. We were so happy that day...we kissed before we were supposed to during our ceremony. We could not help it, our faces just kept getting closer and closer. We were so ready and excited to be married. By the end of the night our faces actually hurt from smiling so much.

Everyone says remember the memories --- and how I cling to them, but sometimes I think, he is so much more than that. I have felt his love, his kiss, his shining soul and smile looking into mine.... And sometimes memories simply are not enough. I wish I could explain how perfect we are for each other. How wonderful every moment together was. Together we are undefinable, perfectly matched, and if put simply -- eternal soul mates. And that is what will get me through. Not just amazing memories, but the fact that I know the universe brought us together --- and could not be cruel enough to take him from me forever. That his love still grows for me, and mine for him. And that we will be together again.

I am truly amazed by our love --- I am in awe of the man I love and will continue to feel that love and show him everyday.

I think Frankie put it best in our last anniversary card at two years. We did not spend the day together, because he was in Kansas training for his deployment, the last couple of lines define so much of how I feel today.

...I could never be fully myself without you by my side. There is this void now that I know can never be filled again until you're next to me and we are holding hands and looking into each other's eyes whispering I love you. I love and miss you so much babe and wish I could be there with you on our day.

To the love,

Frankie

“The dawn is not distant, nor is the night starless; love is eternal."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Of all the music that reached farthest into heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart."

--Henry Ward Beecher

More than just a dog.

2010-08-10T13:22:00.000-06:00

Frankie and I always talked about our future dogs. We would have two. He wanted to get me one if he got deployed, but because his deployment was not the typical one, and one that came up so quickly, the timing was wrong. Plus, I wanted him to take part in the puppy-hood stage. We had the names picked out and everything.

Our puppy plan is sounding similar to our having children plan! :) Well, obviously we never got that chance, so I am working on the one that I can. I am so excited to have a puppy. He is my baby that I always wanted by age 30 and the new little guy in my life for the next 10 - 15 years.

I am so excited his name will be Kailua. Frankie and I picked that name out to always remember our first long-term duty station in Hawaii. One of our favorite places in the world. The place that will always remind me of our first and second year of marriage. The place where we would takes walks or runs almost everyday down to the beach. I loved holding his hand, talking and laughing about everything, but mostly our about our future together, and how we could not believe how blessed we had been so far and could not wait for so much more to come.

Having a puppy is a big step for me because to me it represents so many things. First -- I am ready to take care of not only myself, but another living creature. Next, I am actually imagining being here on this earth for another 10 - 15 years of my dog's lifespan. Right after Frankie was killed, I thought God would be nice and find a way to take me right along with him somehow.... I imagined a vicious great white shark attack, a car accident, dying from a freak gasoline fight (Zoolander reference) :) or maybe even the end of the world. But, it has been a year and 4 months and none of those things have happened yet ---- and I can honestly say I am happy they didn't happen. Although, death doesn't scare me, I know there is still so much for me to do in this life, and Frankie will be there throughout it and at the end no matter what - whether it is 5 years or 75 years more. And lastly, I am still going to work on mine and Frankie's hopes and dreams... with our puppy by my side.

The Toner's Pup

From time to time, people tell me,
"lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance traveled,
the time spent, or the costs involved for
"just a dog."
Some of my proudest moments have come about with
"just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was
"just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog,"
and in those days of darkness,
the gentle touch of "just a dog"
gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog,"
then you will probably understand phases
like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or
"just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence
of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and
patience that make me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early,
take long walks and look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams
of the future, the fond memories of the past,
and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and
diverts my thoughts away from myself and the
worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that
it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps
me from being "just a man."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog."
just smile, because they "just don't understand."

by: Sandra Dee Adopted Shepherd Mix, Born May 2004.

2010-08-05T03:13:00.000-06:00

"Love is the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is not found only at the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arched across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, and neighbors! Love, like faith, is a gift of God. It is also the most enduring and most powerful virtue."
—Gordon B. Hinckley

My Birthday Rainbows.

"Happy" Birthday....

2010-07-31T00:10:00.000-06:00

(All little pieces from my last Birthday card from Frankie while he was training at Fort Riley before being deployed).

There is so much I could say about turning 30 and what my past amazing birthdays have been like with Frankie, but the one thing that will come out of it is exactly what he said in my last birthday card that he ever gave me.... and that is that I wish we could be together. This is not how I pictured my life at 30 going...but I know Frankie's love will get me through another day --- closer to him.

Love you baby. You are with me always.

The Gene Machine

2010-07-07T01:21:00.008-06:00

If X = Love

So, lately I haven't been able to write very much, it just spirals down to this really dark place that I have been in recently, and I stop.

I have been wanting to post something for a little while, and was not sure what to put. Tonight, I found it! I was going through this treasure box, where I have kept things that Frankie has given me or things that we have done from the time we started dating. I have old notes, his football game tickets, even napkins that he wrote on. I even have the first gift he ever gave me, which is an old lollipop with a disgusting worm inside! Weird, I know... but I love him for it!

So, I scanned some of the things that were aging rapidly and falling apart to have them forever, and these two stood out!

I love how he wrote me an equation of how much he loves me in response to a love note I had sent him during church. The number is endless.

And the second image is just ridiculous. It is our computer generated future child....

Our Francis Lawrence Toner V. Our friends went in and they had a cute little baby created. Frankie and I went in, and came out with a 7 -year old child! With a flat-top crew cut! I know we would have had a huge baby, since Frankie was 11 lbs and all of my 7 siblings weighed anywhere from 8-11 pounds.

I truly wish we would have had the chance to have our freakishly huge baby. :) I am making light of it, but I am turning 30 in a few weeks, and always imagined we would be amazing parents by now. Our kid would have been a looker... and Frankie would have been the best dad.

I just miss him so much. I miss how weird we are together, and how much we laughed together, and made funny noises and sang each other songs, and looked forward to the future together, and how we motivated each other and how we selflessly loved. I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his jokes, his kiss, his skin, his face, holding his hand, his stories, cooking him dinner, sleeping by his side, waking up and seeing him watching me sleep, watching him sleep, playing games, going on walks to the beach, working out together, him playing with my hair, going on dates to the dollar theatre, sitting next to him at church, his letters, notes and poems for me, my best friend, my everything, my husband.

I miss and love him infinitely times 10 to the infinite power. :)

Falling in love ROCKS!

2010-06-13T00:11:00.003-06:00

My little sister Ashley got married on Friday June 4th. It was such a beautiful day. She asked me to do a remembrance of Frankie and I was honored to be a part of her ceremony, and be able to share what a special gift it is to fall in love. I read them something Frankie had written for me, and changed the end and took out the personalized lines for Frankie and I in it, to be for them.

I was able to see her and Matt's love, as well as feel the love that Frankie and I share. This is what I shared with them just before she walked down the aisle.....

"Today I stand here with you to honor your love and watch you commit your love to one another. Joining in marriage, bringing a family together, promising to love---

I have loved seeing you fall in love in such a short time.

I know that feeling --- I am still falling in love every day.

We all know and feel Frankie's presence today --- His love knows no bounds

And this poem he wrote should be an everyday feeling the two of you should carry with you the rest of your lives and even beyond.

He called it

---Falling---

You're falling

When you smile ear to ear when you see them

When five hours seems like five minutes

When the world stops spinning when you're together

When you get lost in your own little world

When a kiss gives you the tingles

When a hug is all you need

When you can sit in silence and love it

When you enjoy doing things for them

When one of your favorite things is to watch them sleep in your arms

When all you want is for them to be happy

When you smile when they call even though they cannot see it

When nothing else matters when you're together

These above are the the signs that you feel when you're falling in love

And Matt and Ashley this is why I know you have fallen in love.

Ashley and Matt,

Keep falling in love and with every setting sun show one another the love you have.

I still feel mine and Frankie's love growing every day.

He is always with us."

I then lit a candle by a photo of Frankie and his smiling face.

I am so happy for my sister, her son and Matt.

I love, love.

John Wooden's Love Letter

2010-06-09T00:00:00.007-06:00

I posted this on facebook, and love it so much I wanted to post it here.

John Wooden passed on June 4, 2010. I know his reunion with his wife was a beautiful one, and I look up to him for continuing to keep his promise that there will never be another. I know exactly how he feels.

"Truly, truly, truly love. The most powerful thing there is. It's true. It's true. It must be true."

Poem, by Sven Nater:

Once I was afraid of dying,
terrified of ever-lying,
petrified of leaving family, home and friends.
Thoughts of absence from my dear ones,
brought a melancholy tear once,
and a dreadful, dreadful feeling of when life ends.
But those days are long behind me,
fear of leaving does not bind me,
and departure does not hold a single care.
Peace does comfort as I ponder,
a reunion in the yonder,
with my dearest one who is waiting for me there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tySxPue9Dmw

Mourning Booth

2010-05-27T04:11:00.004-06:00

Today a friend contacted me; her niece's fiance died last week. She told me that her niece told her the pain was so bad, all her muscles hurt, and sometimes it felt like someone was standing on her chest. I know that pain. That continuous ache. She asked me for help on what to say...what words would bring her niece comfort. How could she assure her that the pain would subside?

I could not think of any words. I do not know if the pain will subside. Because as time passes for me, the pain seems to increase. Everything is painful --- thinking, writing, smiling, crying, sleeping, driving, dressing, moving, breathing, living. It all hurts. Even describing it hurts. I am not good at sharing my pain; I actually prefer not to, because it is too difficult for me.

What doesn't hurt, is talking about him, sharing our love, our time here. It makes him so real. It brings him here. He IS real. He is my eternal love. Without any doubt. That warms my soul and makes the pain subside.

I love that people always want to know what words will help. I appreciate it. I truly do --- even when most of the time, the things are not always the right thing, or the best thing to say; at least they try. Grieving and mourning are painful, but after a loved one dies --- everyone grieves differently, everyone has different pain. It seems like it will never end --- and I know I am still in the valley. I am mourning; my friend's niece is mourning. It hurts. There is no magical formula on what words to say.

What I do know is that there is comfort in all the pain. From my love; and from my Savior. I feel them both guiding me and helping me, and strengthening me. I find comfort in sharing stories with other widow's, and the love we have and will always have. I find comfort in my sister sitting with me in my room, while I share pictures that no one has seen, or while I read her all the poems and notes Frankie has written me, or her taking on the difficult task of dusting Frankie's flags, pictures, plaques, and awards for me while I travel. I find comfort in love. The love of my soul-mate, the love of my Savior, the love of all those who miss their spouse, fiance, friend, sibling, child....

And I especially find comfort in the knowledge that I know we will see them again. We will.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWdQRf0qbZI

Looking Forward to seeing My Family on Memorial Day

2010-05-21T04:09:00.000-06:00

I have this family you see,
They are of every age, every race, every religion
We meet me in the field and we talk about how, and why,
and where, and when..

We focus on the good parts,
and try to let them know the most important person in our lives.

We wish this family never had to be, but
We understand each other
We know what it is like to grieve
We cry together
We believe together
We hope together
We miss them beyond words.

Each headstone lined up has a family who still miss them every day,

and people’s lives they have touched along their path of life.

We all feel they are gone much too soon, but

We all know one thing for sure...

We are a family of The Heroes
Buried in section 60 –

I also have to mention the families of those not buried at Arlington, but all around the country. I feel so blessed to have made sisters (widsters) to share this journey with because of Michael and Taryn Davis and the American Widow Project - Their love spreads through the whole organization, and allows the rest of us to share ours as well!

And I think of the wonderful families I have met during my trips to Arlington, like the Wests, and the Khans. Cannot wait to give everyone big hugs!

After spending a day with C.J. West's family, I wrote this. Love them.

With every setting sun, my love grows for you Frankie. I love you.

Our Flag

2010-05-07T18:57:00.011-06:00

I was just lying awake, like usual at 3 in the morning, looking through some of our photos for the millionth time, and was noticing how in so many of them the American Flag has made its appearance. These were just a few...

From when we were first dating, the flag has followed us. There are the tattered flags held by what we called our "Freedom Bears."

Even in one of our favorite photos, Frankie's shirt slightly displays the waving American flag, in the lettering.

On our wedding day we had this beautiful time where he was holding me, and we were looking out into the San Diego Harbor, and feeling so blessed that we had become an eternal husband and wife. The flag, looming above us, perhaps representing what would come.

On our honeymoon, which was such a beautiful time in our lives, we captured our appreciation for our "Freedom Lizard," and we also stood in front of a giant backdrop of the American flag for a fun photo-op.

And now, that flag that we so love, that flag that has made an appearance, and seemed to almost haunt us... is forever embedded in our love. It is a symbol of a beautiful country, a beautiful love, a hero's blood given for the love of his country and his fellow men. A flag he was proud to serve.

A flag I proudly display. A flag that on April 16, 2009 was taken from my husband's casket, folded into a perfect triangle, and presented to me with honor, love, and respect. A flag that haunts me; that reminds me daily of what it truly means to love the United States of America. And, I love it --- I love it with all of my heart and soul.

I am so proud of him. So proud.

Love you baby. With every setting sun, my love grows for you.

"The flag of the United States has not been created by rhetorical sentences in declarations of independence and in bills of rights. It has been created by the experience of a great people, and nothing is written upon it that has not been written by their life. It is the embodiment, not of a sentiment, but of a history." -Woodrow Wilson-

From somewhere in Switzerland

2010-05-01T16:04:00.005-06:00

Florence at sunset on the Arno River

I have been traveling around Europe for the past month…. And although great, I can’t help but think with everything I see that Frankie should be physically by my side. I do know that he is always with me, but he isn’t here to hold my hand, kiss me at the top of the Eiffel Tower, or laugh with me at the things I know only he would think were funny. I know I would be enjoying all these things so much more if he were here. We were supposed to do this together. He is supposed to sit with me at a cafe, outside in the beautiful spring weather, for hours laughing and talking about nothing or everything. Now I sit there, and think of just him. I think of our lives and what was supposed to be. I think, that this world, in all its splendor and beauty --- its amazing history and architecture, its Winged Victory and Mona Lisa....and nothing; nothing is as beautiful as us together. I am so blessed to see these things and we always talked about seeing them together; so, I am seeing it for us. But, all their beauty is nothing compared to our beautiful love. All their beauty is nothing compared to what it will be like when we are together again.

Nothing is as beautiful as our love --- nothing.

April 20th, 2010 --- I wrote:

Today I am in Versaille

I feel him

All around me

The beauty of this place is indescribable...

Like our Love

For you my love, it's all for you.

With every setting sun, my love grows for you.

I just loved this sculpture

Give me the Strength to Overcome

2010-03-24T10:13:00.010-06:00

We walked hand in hand at the airport. I was sending my husband, my love, my everything off on his flight back to Kansas before he headed overseas….Off to war. He carried himself differently in his uniform. He had faced his biggest fears already, knowing he was going over there. He was ready to fight for us. He knew his mission. He wanted to help the Afghan people to overcome their adversities. I supported him. He was suddenly my soldier…with his head held high, ready to take on the tasks and challenges he knew he would face there.

From Frankie’s Journal, he wrote this the day before he left:

----- So I am still a little perplexed on what to write in this book but I think I am starting to come around. Tomorrow I am headed to Afghanistan for an all expense paid vacation :). At this moment and especially after last night which I will probably also write about I have a peace and comfort feeling upon me. I think I can relate to Nephi at the moment concerning when his father asked him to go to Jerusalem and retrieve the records of the Jews and his families genealogy. Though this task for him to accomplish was dangerous and by no means easy he knew he could do it because though his father asked him to go he knew in his heart that it was a commandment from the Heavenly Father. He was at peace with this difficult assignment because he knew that “The Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he commandeth them.” (1st Nephi 3:7).
Like Nephi, I feel at peace with my mission to Afghanistan because I know the Lord prepared the way for me to get to Afghanistan in only a manner that I know only He can do. And I know I can accomplish the things he has in store for me only through his Son Jesus Christ who gives me strength.

1 Nephi 3:7 – The Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through the Lord who strengthens me.

I no longer believe in coincidence. I know all things happen for a reason and if one keeps the commandments of the Lord these so called coincidences are in fact stepping stones on the path which the Lord has prepared to accomplish the purpose of their life – one little mission at a time.-----

The word overcome was something Frankie took to heart, along with his favorite verse, Philippians 4:13 – Frankie and I could overcome anything because we knew the Savior would help us through.

We stopped at a sandwich shop and ate some food, both of us just not really believing he was leaving for a whole year. Luckily, we got to see each other after his 3 months of training, for 10 days, but a total of 15 months…ugh! We both knew the void we would feel without being able to be near each other. We talked and laughed and ate. We stopped for an instant, looked each other in the eyes…tears forming, but fighting them back. He wasn’t gone yet.

Walking up to his gate was the most difficult. My stomach in knots, just like the night I found out that he was possibly going on an IA to Afghanistan. People couldn’t help but watch a loving wife sending her husband off to war. We held each other, kissed and tried holding back tears. He was the last to board the plane. One last embrace, like we have never before - The I love you’s, a continuous stream. He held me tight, he gently wiped my tears with his thumb and held my face…I said, “I’m not strong enough.”
I did not mean I wasn’t strong enough to handle being away from each other for this amount of time. We had done it before, when we were dating. He sailed around the world for his school, the United States Merchant Marine Academy for long periods of time.
This was different - I meant I was not strong enough to handle the thought of him….my soul mate, best-friend, eternal companion, my love…not coming back to me. Frankie called me once he got on the plane. His voice cracked, and I knew he was fighting back the tears. Did he feel the knot I felt? I did not think this way while he was gone… We both stayed positive, but something in that knot in my stomach kept at me.

I knew when Frankie was coming home on leave. We had a secret code for him telling me the exact date, since he wasn’t supposed to. We always had secret codes. April 1st. It was Friday-March 27th. For some reason I sensed something. I pushed it aside. Frankie hadn’t called me at his usual time. Around 9 or 10 in the morning. His night time. We talked twice a day every day. Usually more. I talked to him the night before, (In Afghanistan it was the morning of the day he was killed) and we talked about so much, and how excited we were for him to be coming home, and all the awesome things we had planned --- he said, “It feels like Christmas is coming.” We prayed together, like every night, but I remember saying please keep Frankie safe more than usual. We said I love you so many times. We never wanted to get off the phone, but this time seemed different.

At 4:15 p.m. I had just gotten out of the shower and was doing my spa thing, thinking Frankie could show up tomorrow! Maybe he hadn’t called me because he began his travels. Even though I knew April 1st was the estimated date, I hadn’t come to set anything in stone that the military told us. Maybe Frankie was going to surprise me.
I felt like he was coming home the next day. I learned later, Frankie was supposed to be convoying out the next day to start his journey home. We were planning on trying to start a family….

I was on the phone with my friend Britnee, when my dad knocked on my bedroom door. I was still in my towel…and he said, “There are two Navy men here to talk to you.” His face was white. I said, “What for?” I had a mini melt down on the phone. I said…”I can’t go down there Britnee…They just don’t come to talk or visit.” Every possible scenario went through my mind. Is he hurt? Are they here to talk about the survey I filled out? I was not too happy with the IA scenario. Maybe they wanted to talk about that? We had reached the halfway point; maybe they were here just to check up with me? Think positive – he’s ok. Maybe he went on a convoy, and something happened to one of his limbs. This could not be real. I hurried and put on some sweats and a t-shirt.

I composed myself, went downstairs and the dress blues seemed to smack me in the face. I said, “Sorry for making you wait, I just got out of the shower.” I smiled, shook their hands, and introduced myself. They asked if there was anywhere we could sit. I looked at them, dead in the eyes, (I will never forget those eyes) and asked…”Is Frankie okay? Please tell me he is okay?” They did not answer. I backed away; leading them to the kitchen table…We did not sit. I had to know!! “Is Frankie okay?” Pleading now.

“Ma’am, the Secretary of Defense regrets to inform you”…"NO, NO!”…. “That Lieutenant Junior Grade”, “NO, NO, NO, NO" ...."Francis L. Toner IV"…"NO!!”… “Was killed today…” I heard nothing else “NO, NO, NO!! OH, my GOD! NO, NO…. But, you don’t understand…he can’t be….he’s superman. Not him! Not him! Oh God! Daddy!!! NO!"

My dad, sobbing himself, tries to hold me up…as I fall to the floor.

I compose myself after some time --- I apologize; I tell them “Thank you so much --- you have the worst job in the world right now." I hug them, and thank them again. They start crying.

My feelings were right; Frankie’s body came home the very next day –

I am dreading the day –
The worst day of our lives
A family knocked off its feet
A true love facing unbearable agony
A hero running and risking his life for others
A knock on my door
My worst nightmare coming true
Falling to the floor
My uncontrollable tears
Not him
Not him
Not him
Oh my God – not him

Please Lord; continue to give us the strength and peace to overcome.

Like Frankie, I turn to the Lord for peace with my life mission for whatever purpose the Lord has in store for me - I feel so blessed to be Frankie's wife.

What a beautiful purpose I have had so far.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? …

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

“Where Can I Turn for Peace?” Hymns, no. 129

Horizons

2010-03-20T03:39:00.003-06:00

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,

And death is only a horizon;

and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight."

-Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Coming up on a year of Frankie's death is truly unbelievable. Beyond sad. I do not how else to explain it. The pain just gets worse and worse. I am trying to look to the horizon and imagining what it will be like when we are reunited. I feel him with me all the time and have been so blessed. I feel like all this time --- all these years that pass will seem so short in comparison to eternity. But, right now, it feels so long --- and right now my sight is limited with such a thick fog of grief, that the horizon feels so far. I miss my love; and am not looking forward to going into year two.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

In a beautiful blue lagoon on a clear day, a fine sailing ship spreads its brilliant white canvas in a fresh morning breeze and sails out to the open sea. We watch her glide magnificently through the deep blue and gradually see her grow smaller and smaller as she nears the horizon. Finally, where the sea and sky meet, she slips silently from sight; and someone near me says, "There, she is gone."

Gone Where? Gone from sight --- that is all. She is still as large in mast and hull and sail, still just as able to bear her load. And we can be sure, that just as we say, "There, she is gone!" another says, "There, she comes!" (Eyre)

I await the day, my love, when you will be there to greet me when I cross the horizon, and I will hear you tell me that you love me. Thankfully, I always feel it. I miss you my love. I am so in love with you. I hope you can hear me when I tell you.

I Miss

I miss your kiss on my lips

I miss that touch you give me

I miss that smile on your face

I miss those nights holding you tight

But, most of all I miss saying I LOVE YOU.

-Frankie Toner IV

My Heart ---- 11 Months

2010-02-27T01:36:00.005-07:00

Shattered Pieces

Fallen apart

Nothing left

But my broken heart

All the kings' horses

and all the kings' men

Have gone

They know to try is in vain

They know I must feel

All of this pain

Before I see you again.

Us

2010-02-21T21:53:00.005-07:00

Driving cross-country fell over Valentine's Day. My wonderful friend and I are in completely opposite, yet painful parts of our lives. it was difficult on Valentine's day for both of us. Yet, I was happy when Frankie supplied me with his usual string of heart clouds, which I have been blessed with on my hardest days. (I usually feel crazy when I see them, but somehow I know they are from him). It was his way of giving me a Valentine's card. :) That night I watched my favorite video of him. I save it for special occasions. I love hearing his voice and seeing his face and feeling like he is talking to me. But, on the other hand, I hate it. I hate that it is the only way physically for me to do that. I miss him. I love him.

Beyond words,

Beyond and above,

Are two souls who are intertwined

and attached at the heart,

Beyond description,

Beyond our lives,

Is eternal bliss

To sanctify our souls,

and bring us endless joy

Unconditional love here,

and Beyond is --- Us.

B.T.

Today at Arlington ---

2010-02-05T00:22:00.006-07:00

As I pulled up and parked at the cemetery today, the horses pulling the caisson rounded the corner, coming straight for me. I stared at them, and the men riding them. I made eye contact with each one. (The men, not the horses) :) With a little nod, and tears in my eyes…I could tell they all knew I was a widow. I always go to the cemetery after 3 p.m. to try and avoid hearing the gunshots, and seeing those horses pulling a casket, and hearing the bugler play Taps. It is too fresh. Too difficult. It brings me back to April 16, 2009, when I went to Arlington National Cemetery for the first time ever in my life --- Frankie talked about it, and the honor he held for it --- and now his body would be laid to rest there.

I remember every second, every feeling there that day.

I took a single white rose and laid it upon that silver shining metal, which I had to choose to enclose your body in. I looked to the sky before I set it down, thinking…why? Is this real? Is he really in here? Thinking how much I love this man, and I felt him shining down on me. I wanted to drape myself over your coffin, but I could barely touch it…thinking your lifeless body was actually inside. It has to be wrong…you aren’t in here. You are on some secret mission that they couldn’t tell me about. So I lay the rose down, that simple white rose --- Purity --- I know if anyone had reached their level of perfection on earth…it was you and your beautiful, pure soul. I walk back to my chair, and I crumble into my hands and sob, for a second…but then I hear others starting to cry harder around me….I have to be strong….I say out loud, "I’m Okay”...But I’m not….and never will be...Until we meet again.

I remember pulling away from the cemetery that horrible day…but I didn’t want to leave. I have one smile at Arlington in the pictures. But it isn’t a real one. The director of Frankie’s funeral kept telling me I had to leave because people were going to surround me to offer their sympathies. I was doing my pissed off, fake smile…like are you serious, man? I need to bury my husband. Give me a second.

But he had to get me and the family out of there as quickly as possible, so the crowd would disperse, so they could place Frankie in the ground. A part of me wanted to run out of the car, and stay until the last spec of dirt was placed atop of his coffin. All of me wanted to be under the ground with him.

I latched onto that flag like I haven’t anything before. Someone offered to hold it for me until I got to the hotel. I outright refused. This is his. He is mine. This flag is his blood. This flag is forever mine.

I still cannot believe this.

(P.S. Putting these images along with my thoughts was not an easy decision. I hope they stay only on my blog --- Thank you --- Love, B).

An Obvious Love

2010-01-31T22:13:00.008-07:00

He could not be any more obvious.
I have been so blessed. On Friday, I was driving up to the North Shore. I stopped at a Shrimp Shack that Frankie and I loved, and then was planning on doing a beach day with a friend. Well, Mother Nature had a different idea. The dark clouds rolled in, and the rain came down. Not wanting to waste a good trip up to the North Shore, my friend mentioned a cool place that I had never been to and that has a beautiful view.
I should also mention, that I had shipped off Frankie’s truck this past Thursday, and left my favorite CD’s in the player. The night before heading up to the North Shore, I had to go buy CD’s, and tried to burn some songs onto it, to discover my disc drive was not functioning. So, I was not able to make a CD for the drive up there, and had to suffer through the same songs played on the radio.
All day, I kept saying, “I wish I had a good CD!”
The place we decided to visit is a sacred place for the Hawaiian people. It is an ancient religious site called a Heiau. The ground is usually surrounded with Lava rocks forming a circle, or rectangle. They are not to be entered, or climbed over, because it is said that it will disturb the spirits. And it will also cause bad luck for the person who dares to enter it.
Most people say not to be surprised if a sudden surge of energy is felt, or someone’s presence is around while visiting these Hawaiian sacred places. It is said to be a gift to feel it.
http://www.portaloha.com/SecretsOfHawaii/PuuOMahukaHeiau.htm
So, while visiting this Heiau, we could see a beautiful view, including some humpback whales. It was also cool imagining what it must have been like so long ago. After we had left the Heiau and were driving down the hill, we stopped and got some fresh Lilikoi (a type of passion fruit) that was lying on the ground in the trees that my friend had mentioned wanting earlier. Further down the road, she said…”Hey look, there is a CD!”
I was like, “No, way!” Laughing to ourselves, we backed up and picked it up off the ground and decided to see if there was anything good on it! :) I swear, it was just sitting there, in good condition and ready for us to come along and take it.
At first, it sounded like terrible elevator music, and I was like, “No wonder they threw it out!” Then I got to the third song, and decided to listen to it for some reason. It was beautiful --- seriously so good….and something I have never heard before. These are the lyrics:

I couldn’t go on living
In a world alone
Without the love you’re giving
I would turn to stone
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
Without
Within

Your love is right beside me
Whether right or wrong
Your are the Light that guides me
When the days grow long
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
Without
Within

When they say that loves conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
Without
Within

When they say that love conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much that I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
Without
Within
Without
Within
Without
Within
Without
Within

While listening to the song, I was crying and smiling at the same time, overwhelmed with his love for me. And no, it is not too much that you’re asking. I am yours forever. I know you are still with me.

Somebody said to me last week --- you know Brooke…He is always with you. I saw how much love you two have and will have always. He is always there. I do know with a surety that death has not stopped anything. Death has not taken my husband away. His Death has not made me alone. And although, they call me a survivor --- I do not feel this way. Frankie has physically died, but I can tell you, he is very much alive. Life is eternal. Our Love is eternal. He is still right here. I am still Frankie’s main priority and eternal wife-a-nator. I know it. I know he wishes he could figure out how to set up Skype from the spirit world. But you know what I still have…even if I cannot hear him --- Spiritual Skype. I may not get to see him, but I can feel his spirit around me. I can feel his love now more than ever. I will dream and look forward to having our spirits back together when the gift of death is given to me. How sweet that day will be. How sweet life will be, knowing that Frankie will be guiding me, helping me, showing me the beauty that surrounds me; reminding me, that he is really there. It is not just a saying to me --- He truly will always be there for me, no matter what.
Frankie has made this very obvious. I am so in love with him and thankful that he gave me such a beautiful gift.
It was the only good song on the CD. Thank you my love and the Big Kahuna!

"Is death the last sleep? No - it is the last and final awakening" -Sir Walter Scott

3 years 5 months

2010-01-20T00:53:00.004-07:00

Three years and five months. Frankie and I have been married for three years and five months today. I know most people celebrate the year marks, but every month on the 19th, I think of our wedding anniversary. Frankie and I always did something to celebrate it every month. He would always make it a special day, if even in the smallest of ways. One of the last texts I got from him was at 2 years and 7 months (Just 8 days before he was killed). It said “Happy 2 years 7 months baby! I love and miss you so much! Wish I could be there.”

Do you want to know what I did for our 3 year and 5 month anniversary? Probably not…but I am going to tell you. Today I set up moving all of our things from Hawaii to Idaho. Today I said the words Casualty Report too often. Today while going through paperwork, I found one titled “Disposition of Remains” that sent chills throughout my entire body.

Today I realized just how real all of this is. I am preparing myself to go to our storage unit in two days to assist the movers in moving our life together. All of his things are in there, besides his belongings from Afghanistan which came back in 14 black sea chests. His awards, his clothes, his sports gear, his pictures, his love notes from me, our lamps, our wedding album, our hopes, our dreams --- in a storage unit. Our life is in a storage unit.

I love you; I miss you and am even more in love with you at 3 years 5 months. I wish I could be there.

~I Miss You~

Somber days and nights
Looking for some truth
The day I thought would come
Never did
Leaving me here
To dwell among those who shall never know me like you.
I partake of nothing, of happiness, or peace.
My joy dissipated --- my heart left with you.
The lights have faded
My blue eyes now grey
I hate the way the world spins now
And continues on its way
I simply exist now
Just wandering through
This valley of grief, of circumstance ---
I prayed would never happen to a love so true.
My words will never adequately tell

How much I miss you.
B.T.

For you my love, it's all for you.

2010-01-13T14:16:00.009-07:00

A few days ago I went hiking up to Maunawili Falls. It is a nice waterfall with a couple of good cliff jumping points. I started off on one of the smaller jumps, and then moved up to a slightly more difficult to get to ledge, by going over the waterfall, and scrambling up a rock face. I hesitated for a few minutes --- and then the craziest thing happened --- one random guy there started something that Frankie would always do to motivate people …the slow clap! In that instant, I knew my love was watching me and encouraging me, to face my fear and jump from the ledge. I smiled and noticed every single person around the whole falls area joined in and was doing the slow clap…for me! In that instant I pictured Frankie’s smiling face and his love for me, watching me, motivating me. So, I jumped! And by my jumping others who were hesitant to jump from this point were motivated to do it as well.

Then I wanted to jump from one of the highest points. I got up there, and was a little chicken for a while. For some reason I really had to motivate myself on this jump --- it seemed soooo much higher from the previous one. So, here I was standing at the top, looking down, feeling weak in the knees, my stomach doing somersaults. It was pretty scary. But I knew I would never turn back. I knew I would make the leap; I just had to motivate myself to do it. And so, I did…and it was amazing.

Sometimes I feel so scared. This deep fear and grief take over every part of me. I remember after finding out about Frankie --- I kept asking over and over again….”What do I do?” “What do I do?”

Most days I still ask myself that --- and most days I don’t know what to do or even want to live life --- but I know that with my love’s motivation and unconditional support, he will keep clapping until I am ready to make the leap back into living life. And although it may take a while and will be a drastically different life than I ever pictured for myself, I do know that it will be amazing --- especially with the knowledge of the true love I carry with me and where the end of the journey will take me --- back to him. For you my love, it's all for you.

For you I will be
For you I will stay
For you I will conquer
For you I will pray

For you I will live
For you I will see
For you I will cry
For you I will breathe

For you I will laugh
For you I will seek
For you I will find
For you I will leap

For you I will smile
For you I will try
For you I will run
For you till I die
And ever after
For you my love --- it’s all for you.

B.T.

Rocks!

2010-01-09T04:14:00.004-07:00

Rocks --- for some reason Frankie always liked to give me rocks. He would randomly pick one up and sneakily put it in my hand. I kept a few of the rocks and have them in my keepsake box. One of them is pure white and smooth. He picked it up for me during our honeymoon. I wish I would have kept every single rock he ever handed me. I wish I could remember all the rocks and the moments that I feel are slipping away, like they are in some distant and beautiful dream that used to be my life. I wish I had him here to pick up a ridiculously big rock and expect me to keep it --- because I would baby. I would keep all of the rocks in the world just to see your smile when you handed them to me. I love that smile. He would pretend to be sad when I would say --- no baby, this rock likes it right here. It has all of its rock friends --- and I would point out all the other rocks. And then he would go find me a leaf, or a twig, or something else.

Besides my few precious rocks, I also kept a pet branch that we named Maxileafimus (after watching Gladiator). :) The leaf was stuck on the outside of Frankie’s car for like 6 months. It was barely attached, but somehow it would not come loose, and we hoped it wouldn't fall. We didn’t want to take it off --- the little fella just kept hanging on. It started coming loose one day, so we rescued our little Maxileafimus and I kept him to remember how much we cheered him on. The leaf has since well withered, but the branch remains ---
There is great metaphor to that story, but I am pretty tired! :)

So, I will leave this off with why I started thinking about these great moments ---
Frankie wrote this for me and I love it!

TODAY
I SEE TODAY THERE IS NO SUN
I SEE TODAY IT’S JUST DARK AND GREY
SO I CLOSE MY EYES AND LEAVE TODAY
I SEE US TOGETHER AND SMILE. YOU JUST BRIGHTEN MY DAY.

-Frankie Toner IV-

I miss you my love --- I will keep my eyes open for good rocks. I love you.

I WILL

2010-01-07T03:50:00.002-07:00

I will continue on this path my love
I will build it strong and true
I will finish what we started
I know your love will carry me through
I will feel you guiding me
And helping me in all I do
Aligning the boards side by side
Held with nails as brave as you
And when my life comes to its end
I will put this hammer down
And we shall have eternity
We no longer will be bound
Our deep void will be filled
With a reunited love so true
Because the path we have built
Will lead me straight to you

B.T.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then.....

2009-12-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

I will count the days until you take my hand and lead me to our home on high

I love you baby - Merry Christmas

It has been a rough month. Today, Dec 27th, marks 9 months since Frankie was killed. We were engaged on Christmas night surrounded by my family in 2005. It was such a beautiful night that, thankfully, I have on video. I had no idea Frankie was going to ask me . We never even looked at rings together. He went and picked out the diamonds himself and had them set. It is perfect. Our engagement night was so perfect. He sang to me when we were alone, a beautiful song that I hold dear to my heart. I miss him so intensely - and I am so frustrated that every time I try to talk about him, people skirt around it - or change the subject or try to comfort me by telling me I will find someone else ------ that just plainly makes me angry. It stings every time - the same painful sting. Frankie is my husband - and always will be. So, if you want to comfort me, and those words come to mind ---please....don't say anything at all.

So, just a few pointers for those dealing with this widow:

I am not single!
I won’t meet someone else!
I will not get over losing my soul mate – ever!
Frankie will not send me someone else!

I am his one and only.
I am his girl.
He is the only person I have ever told I loved – I waited to find him.
We know we are God-given.
It is OK if you don’t understand a love like ours.
Just watch – 10 years down the road – you will all keep saying the same things.
20 years down the road – you will think I made a mistake – and that I chose this path…it is anything but a choice.
30 years down the road – I will be 60 -and you will say - it is too late for her now.
40 years down the road –You will say – It’s too bad she never remarried – she must be lonely.
50 years down the road I will be 80 – you will say – she lived a good life - I bet she looks forward to being back with her love now that she is older.
I hope I do not have to wait that long to see my love – But I will wait and I will love him more and more everyday until I do – Until we are reunited.
We are Mr. and Mrs. Francis L. Toner IV – and will be forever ---whether you like it or not.

But long or short though life may be

'Tis nothing to eternity

We part below to meet on high

Where blissful ages never die" — Emily Brontë

"Love is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." — Helen Hayes

Life is Good

2009-12-15T21:53:00.010-07:00

So, I just finished translating Frankie's Journal that he kept over in Afghanistan...well, actually one of the only journals he has ever kept. And I say translating because sometimes Frankie's handwriting isn't the easiest to decipher - I am pretty good at it, but there are a few words I am still working on. :) His Journal is short, but says everything it needs to about how to correctly live a good life in its few entries. I am so amazed more and more everyday at how good of a man Frankie is. I have always thought that if more men were like him, this world would be a much better place.

One of my favorite lines is the first line in his journal because it is how both of us will feel forever. I thought I would share the first paragraph because it is so Frankie. :)

~Frankie writes:

"And so it begins. I love my wife. And my wife loves me. I have awesome and supportive parents with nothing but the best family including my extended family which I mean Brooke’s fam. I belong to the greatest church and I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who died for me and his Father whose love for all is so much - it cannot be described. I am more than content with my life - I have a calm and peaceful home, a new truck and motorcycle; I even have a wii. I also need to mention I live in Hawai’i - but really these material things are nothing more than things. The stuff that counts are the people in our lives. The things that count are the things that can’t be replaced…like friends and family."

So, like the sticker says on the inside cover of his Journal - Life is Good. I hope all of you realize the important blessings surrounding you.

And so it has already begun. I love my husband. And my husband loves me. That eternal blessing and the knowledge of our Savior and Heavenly Father and my wonderful family and friends will get me through this life and back to my Love. I can't wait to see him again - and I know I will -and with that knowledge -Life is Good -

"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."--Vincent van Gogh

The Scream

2009-12-01T15:59:00.003-07:00

In a page in his diary headed Nice 22.01.1892, Munch described his inspiration for the image thus:

"I was walking along a path with two friends — the sun was setting — suddenly the sky turned blood red — I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence — there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city — my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety — and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature."

I did it. I let out my first scream. I think it is the holidays - the hurt. The void. My scream became screams and pounding and crying and feeling. Feeling what I have been feeling since March 27 at 4:30 p.m. The day my sky turned blood red. Feeling hate. Feeling angry. Feeling that my life is a big blur of a dream, that I can’t wait to be over. Feeling exhaused at keeping it in any longer. It built up inside me… in my chest. Where my broken-heart is trying not to break anymore at my lost dreams. My scream built up in my belly, in my head. I could not keep it in. I could not stand it anymore. I hope no one hears me scream – it sounded like someone being tortured – because that is what all this feels like inside me. It physically hurts every part of me.

I am kind of mad at myself for screaming – because now I am sick. And also because I know the Eternal promise Frankie and I have...but sometimes it doesn't make it any easier.

Screaming takes a lot out of a person. But – I guess that is the point.

Proud Military Widow

2009-11-23T04:16:00.004-07:00

Tonight I was having a conversation with a dear friend. I referred to myself as the dreaded word - “WIDOW.”

It was difficult for her to place me in that category. She did not want to call me a widow. She said she pictured like an old black widow, decrepit type of woman - wearing all black.

I picture that too.

But, unfortunately, the reality of this horrible situation is that I am a - duh, duh, duh…Widow. A 29 year old widow. For those of you who know me and Frankie well – this is a life sentence for me. A life sentence in “widow prison.” A prisoner of the mortal realm.

I read this quote the other day - "Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."- Orison Swett Marden
It is good, but I thought…what if our legs feel as if they have been taken from us? What if our purpose for living were removed? With Frankie no longer physically by my side, it feels as if my legs are gone.

I can’t seem to move
I can’t seem to rise
I can’t seem to be who I used to be
Without you by my side
I walk with my legs cut from under me
I run with nowhere in sight
I wake up and dread
What is left for me
I lay awake paralyzed
I sleep with no dreams
I arise with no dreams
I cry with no end in sight
Who is this person
Why can’t I look at my face
Why can’t I feel
Why can’t I be who I used to be
Without you….there is no me.
I never used to say I can’t
And now
I can’t breathe
I can’t move
I can’t be
I can’t be
I can’t….
But I must.

Sad, I know...Sorry, it is the widow in me :) ,but sometimes I can't help but feel hopeless. Other times - I am full of life and trying to fulfill my purpose - and I am like OK, Lord - Send me! I am here - help me so I can get back to my love already! I know that the Lord and Frankie will give me back the strength and guidance I need. I am grateful for the assurance of an eternal marriage – and for the Lord blessing me with such an amazing man. I know that our relationship is everlasting, and present, even through death, and the passage of time.

So, I have to learn to cope with my widow prison.

I must and am trying to “Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you (I) love, in the testimony which you (I) carry in your (my) heart concerning things divine." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Brooke,
……….I love and miss you so much baby. I know we will be more than fine and we will grow and be strengthened by this. I know this calling is just as difficult, if not more, for you than me. The Lord is with us and I am grateful that I have such a strong and faithful wife. Thank you Brooke. No worries about me, no matter what know that I Love you and that I am coming home to you. As long as you think of me I will always be with you and that I am always in your heart, and that you are always in mine. If you’re missing me just pray because I know the Lord will comfort us in this. 1st Nephi 3:7 (I know you read it). Brooke, please be safe and always have S.A. (Situral awareness) ((*for us this meant situational and spiritual combined)). I love you. I have to get going now.
Love you lovehead face…
To the love,
Your best friend, husband, and forever love,
Frankie

I Love you too baby – This is extremely difficult – I know it is for you too. We will make it my love. I will make it. I would choose to be in this life sentence of widow prison again and again, if it meant being blessed with you and this amazing love we have. The Lord loves us , and I know we will be together again.

I love you so much - so, so much.
Your best friend, wife, and forever love,
And now
Your Very Proud Military Widow,
Brooke

Restless

2009-10-24T14:56:00.004-06:00

Another restless night. I don't think there has been one night where I have been able to fall asleep without a struggle. I have been forcing myself to sleep in my bed the last few nights. I have been sleeping on a couch ever since Frankie left for Afghanistan, because that has been the easiest place for me to fall asleep. I think I have slept in a bed under 10 times...not counting hotel stays. There is just something about being able to fall asleep feeling held by the back of the couch...or distracted by the TV. I loved sleeping next to Frankie. We could sleep anywhere next to each other. We used to sleep in his Grammy's basement on the tiniest couch ever when we first started dating, and both of us had twin beds. So, moving to a full-sized bed seemed unecessary when we got married, but we did, because that is what our condo came furnished with! We would both wake up in the middle of the night, and reach out for one another if we were not touching.

I loved falling asleep with Frankie holding me, and waking up in the exact same position. I loved opening our curtains, with our wall of floor to ceiling windows and look out at the mountain peaks highlighted by the moon and the stars. I loved hearing and feeling the breeze coming in through our windows with the noises of the neighbors laughing,or the baby crying across the way. I loved the tick of the sound our fan made. I even loved how sometimes we would sweat a little, because Frankie was the air conditioning Nazi. I would just lay there wrapped up in him still. I loved waking up when he would be watching me sleep...or when I would sleep in, and he would be dressed and ready for work and gently kiss me goodbye. I loved waking up and watching him sleep, and hearing him breathe, and feeling his heartbeat with my head, or hand.

I loved how he would tell me how when I woke up everyday I always had a huge smile on my face, no matter what...and I would always reach out to him for him to come back and give me another kiss...and hold him tight and tell him not to go, to lay with me some more. I love how when he would go to leave, he would always come back and kiss me...like 5 times and he would have to force himself to leave the house. He would be like, "Okay, I have to go...I really have to go now...I'm gonna be late, I really need to go." He would be out the door, down the hall, and turn around and come back to kiss me again.
I have moved to sleeping in my bed because, I want to lay where Frankie would have laid. I always untuck the other side of the bed for him to come lay by me, and hold me. I position myself the way that I would have fallen asleep in his arms. I hope that sometimes, he is able to to come rest by me, and watch me sleep, and see my crazy hair...or mane as he would call it. I hope to see him in my dreams and talk to him, and smile and laugh how only we did together. I lay and stare now and cry, and take forever to sleep.... and I don't wake up with a smile. Although, for you my love....I certainly will try to face each day and night with the knowledge you are watching over me and missing me the same.
I miss you my love. I hope to see you in my dreams - walking hand-in-hand down the shoreline.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."
-Unknown

A Love Eternal

2009-10-16T04:36:00.008-06:00

It has been a year since Frankie left for Afghanistan. I truly cannot believe it has been that long. I really do not have any sense of time lately. Everyday is similar - everyday, I ache. As much as I try to put on a happy face...that is all it is...an exterior smile to mask my interior pain. I can't believe last year at this time Frankie and I were together wiping tears, holding each other, for one last time. Each kiss full of meaning - with purpose - conveying the overwhelming love between us.

But thankfully in between feeling so much pain these days, I am allowed to feel little specs of comfort, and light, and hope, and love -- So much love. Although everyday hurts missing him - I know that love is still here. I feel it -- his love radiates around me. It always has. With Frankie no distance has ever been too great, no physical separation could prevent us from ever feeling it. I am so grateful that I am Frankie's wife! He is my husband. Frankie Toner IV is my forever love - wow! He chose me to be his. I chose him to be mine. We are so blessed.

This is part of a poem I wrote lately - just how I have been feeling ~

He is my one and only---My for all time and eternity

I know we are God-given ---I just wish our time was more

Here on Earth ---On this forever empty shore

Waves crashing, Tears falling Into that never-ending ache

That pool of hurt---that tide of pain

Falling and rising - breaking over me

Until that day when these earthly bonds are broken

and we will rush to hold each other FOREVER more.

Frankie wrote this for me - it is one of my favorites - if not my favorite - I love him so much beyond description, and I feel his love for me! I feel you Frankie! I feel your never-ending love for me!

Brooke,

Super Gloves and Hand-Warmers

2009-09-12T02:36:00.005-06:00

Especially remembering my hero and my love, LTJG Frankie Toner IV, who was killed heroically in Northern Afghanistan on March 27, 2009 by drawing fire to himself in order to save two wounded comrades. He thought his parents were on the flight from Boston, when he watched the towers crumble from across the sound that day. Luckily they weren’t.

The last couple of days have been very hard for me. I have surrounded myself with the things that happened on September 11th, 2001. Everyday is difficult, and everyday I am tearful. But today. There is something different about today. I think it is because 8 years ago today was start of the difficulties I am facing now. 8 years ago Frankie and I were both in New York knowing things would never be the same.

Today I was able to have a thought about Frankie, that made me smile. Whenever I would send Frankie care packages to Afghanistan, I always made sure that he had the best of the best. I got things for him, and also for the guys he worked with. During the winter there, I wanted to make sure my baby was warm enough. I sent him some really great gloves, that are worn by special forces guys. They are thin, to allow for a comfortable hold on his weapon, but warm when needed, and they also allowed for cooling when it was hot out. They had hard knuckles that would protect his hands from bullets. Besides those gloves, I wanted to ensure that he would not be cold, so I sent him some packets of hand and foot warmers. Oh, and extra warm socks. Frankie always liked getting new socks. He always said that one of the things he loved was putting on new socks…and knew that he would have made it if he could wear new socks everyday.

Frankie called me one day when he got back from a convoy after visiting an Afghan Police Station. He said when he was there…he kept noticing all the kids walking in the streets. The thing was, that the kids all seemed to be under the age of 7 or 8…and it was -10 degrees outside, maybe colder…and the children were not dressed appropriately for the cold to say the least. One of the children, walking alone…in the snow wearing socks with sandals…and a thin layer of clothing came up to Frankie. Frankie saw him shivering, and was thinking how cold this child must have been. Frankie was wearing his thermal gear underneath his uniform, warm socks, gloves, and the under armour beanie I had gotten him, and he was still cold.
Frankie was thinking the boy might want candy, because it is typical for the troops to hand out candy when they are on convoys. Frankie did not have any candy. He had grabbed about 7, or so, of the hand-warming packets I had sent to have with him on his freezing ride as the gunner for the trip. He took one out of the hand-warmers, shook it and showed the child that it would keep his hands warm. The child took it, and just walked away. Frankie wasn’t sure if he was disappointed that he did not get the candy he was after. A few minutes later, another child walked in and walked directly up to Frankie, shivering. Frankie knew what he was after. He took another handwarmer out of his pocket and handed it the child. Before the child left, two more were on their way in. This time, it was a little girl…maybe 5 or six…holding a smaller child, around 2 years old, Frankie guessed. About 5 more children came up to Frankie. He did not have enough to give them all one.
Frankie after telling me this, choked up, because he knew the warmth of those handwarmers would go away, and the children would be cold again.
I have just been thinking about that today. We made sure that he always had enough handwarmers after that, and also started gathering winter clothing for Frankie to hand out. I love that I am married to a man whose heart was so big for every person that he met. That is what made me smile.
I hope that our presence in Afghanistan will be a source of warmth for the people there. I hope that we will not give up on them. I hope the children will be able to grow up with the warmth of knowing they have a chance. 8 years ago today changed a lot for both of our countries. It gave us the resolve to fight extreme terrorism – I hope that the Afghan people will stand with us. They have already faced enough of the cold.

Never Forget Francis L. Toner IV

2009-07-24T16:47:00.007-06:00

"LTJG Toner - Running 75 yards or so behind in full IBA (he was training to become a SEAL) , LTJG Toner heroically sacrificed his life attempting to save LT Choe and CDR Lebel. He was also gunned down while charging the attacker to prevent a second volley at point blank range which eventually took LT Choe's life. His actions likely distracted the attacker and saved the CDR's life. He was due home on leave the very next week..." - John Miller -

Frankie had dropped back in his run to motivate his buddy Carlos, who was new at wearing his IBA that day. This is an account of a fellow Kings Pointer who was Frankie's roommate and friend during his time in Afghanistan-

"Frank Toner, a 06 grad and one other female navy LT were shot and killed by an ANA soldier who was also apparently an insurgent. Frank and I lived in the same hut and he worked at the desk next to mine. There were two others, a LTjg friend of mine and a CDR who were also involved. The CDR was wounded and will be okay, and the jg will be okay, just shaken up. We were a running group and I was running well ahead of them this time. The shooting happened behind me after I ran past, maybe 4 or 5 minutes after I was at the site. Everyone here is real shook up right now. About a dozen of the Navy garrison escorted the remains back to Bagram and had a ceremony for them. There are a lot of people on the way here to my camp for the service. The one the Germans gave yesterday morning prior to loading them on the aircraft was very nice. The had what seemed to be almost all the base lining the road for probably a mile, all holding torches and saluting, while the caskets were driven past with the Navy marching behind. Bagram was a little overwhelming, there are like 20K people there. Everyone here liked him, he never spoke bad about anyone, and LT Choe, the other victim was the same, a good person. She was doing a lot with the MWR program here. Anyway, tell the school Frank went down trying to get to the shooter. He was a hero and everyone here is still trying to accept what happened. His actions probably saved my friend's life. He was the last runner in our group, also wearing his armor, and it slowed him down as the stuffweighs so much, so he was in the rear. The news sources are getting a lot of details wrong, but as the investigation is going on, I don't want to say or speculate too much. Just the other day we joked about building something here with the KPS hidden in it." Matt Hume

There really are no words. I told him not to be a hero....but I knew he would never be anything less.

Ferocious Furby?

2009-03-20T21:12:00.003-06:00

So, Frankie and I had a very interesting conversation today. Do you remember those Furby toys that were so popular in the 1990's? Well, apparently they found the real life version of the toy in Indonesia last year. Although, its actual name is the Pygmy Tarsier, it was a great find because it has not been seen for approx. 80 years. OK, so why this information? Well, Frankie and I had a dispute about how ferocious they are! I claimed that it looked pretty harmless? What do you think? Kind of like Gizmo from the Gremlins....Frankie says it beats out the Honey Badger, which is my favorite ferocious beast. (Another post for another time)! :) I think not, my love. I think not!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pygmy_Tarsier

The Culprit

2009-03-04T01:40:00.002-07:00

But really, how can you be mad at this?!!

He is too stinkin' cute...

destructive, but adorable.

2009-03-04T01:27:00.002-07:00

Since I have been living with my three year old nephew...costs have been adding up. So far, he has broken my sunglasses, cell phone, and just recently my brand new camera. aaargh!

Buy Hashbrowns

2009-02-26T13:51:00.003-07:00

Really?

That is all I have to say about that! :) oh....silly Idaho...

2009-01-17T13:42:00.003-07:00

This video was of a convoy the guys went on for a project site visit, however it was a failed attempt. One of the humvees broke down. Frankie was the gunner for the trip. Kinda scary, but all in a days work over there. His friend put this video together. I thought it was pretty cool.

2009-01-17T13:07:00.004-07:00

So, here I am in Idaho, with my husband in Afghanistan. It is somewhat depressing, from what we have experienced thus far, but I am keeping my spirits up and keeping myself busy. I am just really proud of Frankie, and all he is accomplishing. Actually, a neat news article dealing with Frankie and some e-mails he sent to some pretty high ranking officials actually had an impact:

http://www.reuters.com/article/vcCandidateFeed2/idUSN16287541

There really isn't very much for me to blog about. I am just hanging out with the fam, have a head cold, and am job hunting, since I graduated last year! yay! finally!!

GO NARMY!!!

2008-08-10T19:27:00.039-06:00

21AUG-15SEP
Wow! I cannot believe it’s been almost a month since the last time I have updated this. Since the last time I wrote I have found out that I am in fact going to Afghanistan for nine months to a year. As of now I am set to go to northern Afghanistan about 50 Miles south of Uzbekistan. The area I’ll be in is quiet compared to the rest of the country. Currently there is a lot of development happing which is why I was chosen to go there. Like I said before I cannot give too much detail until I actually get there. Though I am not fond of the idea of being away from family and especially my beautiful wife for a year I look forward to seeing what challenges me and the local Afghans can overcome to help improve their quality of life. Because in the end, by assisting the local populace in rebuilding and sometimes building for the first time a infrastructure of a community with security and schools we (being Americans) develop a relationship that will stand strong when threaten by a terrorist group seeking support and new recruits in that community. This will hopefully slow the breeding of new terrorists and keep this fight on their soil in this generation and not in America during my children’s. Well, that’s my two cents. Since 20Aug The training days are getting much longer with some going over 24hrs but the plus side is that it makes the weeks go by faster. I have been receiving training in all different types of weapons. Though my mission does not entail using any of them it’s just nice to know (and I really like it). The weapons include the 50Cal (12.7mm) machine gun, 240B machine gun (7.65mm), 249 machine gun (5.56mm), M4 semi automatic rifle (5.56mm), M9 pistol (9mm), and my favorite the MK 19 grenade launcher (40mm) that baby can fire 6 grenades a second at over 800 meters. The training includes how to dissemble, resemble, take care of, and use the weapon. I qualified as an expert in the 50Cal, 240B, 249, M4 and a sharp shooter for the M9. For the MK 19 there was no qualifying just shooting. In addition, to the above US weapons we also did the same training with foreign weapons including the AK47 rifle, PRK machine gun, PKM machine gun, and the SVD sniper rifle. We did not qualify with these, but I can say I was over 90% accurate with them at the firing range. We were also trained in calling in air support via helicopter, plane, and artillery (all pretty cool stuff). We also had detain operations training, which included searching a house, doing a crime scene investigation, detaining suspects and questioning them. Though the Afghanistan security forces are responsible for doing all of the above and we are simply there to advise it’s a nice to have tool. Finally, this weekend we had our midterm evaluations which tested us in everything we learned since being here in Kansas. It was a team evolution and I am proud to say that Charlie Company Team 7 passed with flying colors. The evaluators were commenting that our team was the best team that came through for the mid term testing. I would have to say my favorite time within the last couple of weeks though was seeing Brooke (BY FAR). It was such an amazing feeling to see her at the airport. Though the three days we had together seemed like one it was such a breath of fresh air. Her family had a mini family reunion on Labor Day at the very nice newly built home of Geremy and Gina with tons of great pot luck food and running, screaming, and laughing kids. It was a great time. Best of all was just being and laughing with Brooke. I cannot describe how fortunate I feel to have her love and support through all this in addition, to my families and friends.

10-20AUG

Training is starting to ramp up now and getting more involved and ,to me, more fun. This past week of training I went through a Combat Life Saver course where we learned battlefield first aid and how to give IV's which we then practiced on each other. Its good times, unless someone forgets to put pressure on the vain above the catheter before connecting the saline lock or IV because the blood that was going through your vain is now squirting out the catheter. This happened to my XO and it was the medic who was doing the IV right before he wanted us to try it on each other (talk about a real encouragement booster). Besides the IVs we also learn how to insert a 4.5 inch long and 1/8in in diameter tube down someones nose to help in breathing in case of an emergency. I had the honor of demonstrating how to do it to the class by inserting it into Captain Hansen's nose. In addition, to the CLS course, we did training with Up Armored Humvees, a communications course and I have also been doing extra Dari training. The Humvee training consisted of learning the ins and outs of the Humvee, doing a roll over simulator and actually driving the Hummers. The roll over simulator is a basically a Humvee that is hooked up to a rotisserie and the instructors then rotate the Humvee and leave it on its roof. Once they give you the command and after they have secured some of the doors to make it hard to get out you have 15 seconds to get all four people out of the hummvee (it is possible). Though my XO and Skipper had a little tough time and I had to help out but we got out. After the rollover simulator we actually did a convoy down a dirt road with wrecked cars and obstacles in the way and they did not care if you actually hit a car. One Humvee in our convoy actually took out a sign. We also did night driving with Night Vision Goggles (NVGs), which I thought was great! It was like playing a video game, with everything being green and a slight delay as you turned your head. It was really a cool experience. With the Comms course we were shown how to program and use various radio's. Along with CLS, drivers training, and Comms I really want to become fluent in Dari so I have been doing extra training, meeting a few hours a night, a few nights a week to try and learn the language. I can now basically carry on an introduction conversation, count to 100, ask where the enemy is, know some military and weapon terms, and tell some one to stop their car, get out and put there hands up, open their trunk and hood, and to stop or I will shoot. So I am getting there. The days are getting longer but it makes the weeks go by faster. I am now consistently getting up at 0430 but now I am not getting back to the bay till 2200 every night because of language training and now I am trying to get another work out in after language class. Till next time. Linda asked what FOB and URF stands for and they mean Forward Operating Base and Urgent Request for Forces. Before I got to training I was an alternate for four Civil Engineer Corps guys meaning after training I was suppose to go back to Hawaii and if one of the four guys got hurt or sick I would have a few days to get to Afghanistan and fill in for them. However, because of the high demand of Civil Engineer Corps Officers I got picked up to go to Afghanistan till the summer of 09 either north or south but that can still change. I may still go back to Hawaii and continue to be alternate because my community (Civil Engineer Corps) wants to make sure I am filling in for a CEC guy. Once it is confirmed that I am going I can not say the exact dates of when I am going and when I coming back due to what is called operation security. Hopefully I will have more details soon.

This is is the Medic showing us how not to insert a IV (right before we do it on each other)

This Captain Hansen showing us how not to do IVs on Senior Chief!!

This is me showing everyone how to do an IV. Notice not a drop lost

The Nose Hose!!!

In the bay with Dave

Culture Studies

01 - 10AUG

Salaam aalikum (Hello, peace be upon you), I hope everyone one is doing well. I just completed my first week of training which went well. My day starts at 0430 waking up and getting ready for Physically Training (PT) which I lead for my team. PT consists of everything from running, push ups and pull ups to rope climbing, and sprints, I try and do a sport day once a week where we challenge another team to ultimate Frisbee. After PT and chow we have class from 0800 to 1700 (5PM) (with an hour lunch) for culture studies of Afghanistan and learning Dari, which is the most common spoken tongue in Afghanistan. The culture studies class is about the customs of the Afghans, such as not pointing the soles of your shoes at anyone, and to make sure to always ask about their family before talking about business. In addition, to learning about Islam, we even had the opportunity to role play a typical meeting and had an Afghan dinner with members of the Afghanistan National Army. It was a great experience to practice the little Dari I have learned so far. After 1700 we have dinner and usually have other briefs or meetings to attend. There were a few days where we did not get back to our bay till 2100 (9PM). We train six days a week and have Sundays off. I carry an M4 (5.56mm), which are the updated version of the M16 with a collapsible stock, and a 9mm pistol where ever I go, even to dinner and class. If I have to take a shower I have to lock it in my locker and ask someone from my team to watch it. We did have an opportunity to go to Kansas City and go to the National World War I Museum. The displays and videos throughout the museum were very nicely done.
The living conditions are great with all things considered. I do have 39 roommates, and about half of them snore, but the ipod quickly solves that problem! The open bay is air conditioned, which is nice since it has been around 105 degrees everyday, besides that last two days because it was raining, causing the temp to drop in the 70s. Another plus is the laundry room is right outside the bay door and the shower room has personal showers (much better then the open bay showers at Kings Point because there is nothing like showing with a bunch of hairy dudes first thing in the morning). Well until next week....Khuda Hafiz (in God's protection).

Doing some one handed push ups with with 40lb body armor

My new wardrobe
My M4

The Bay

Eating a Afghan dinner

The WWI Museum
Headed for KS

Swimming With The Dolphins

2008-08-10T19:21:00.005-06:00

This was what Frankie and I would call the perfect day...we woke up in a cozy cottage in Volcano's National Park, on the Big Island. We got ready to drive to west side of the Island of Hawaii to do a kayaking and snorkeling trip across Kealakekua Bay to go to some of the best snorkeling on the Island and Captain Cook's Monument. We rented out gear, bought some sandwiches, and launched our kayak around 9:30 a.m. We were about 1/4 of the way to the other side of the bay when we spotted some dolphins hanging out near us. We got in the water, and to our surprise, the wild spinner dolphins got within feet of us. There were probably 20 to 30 of them, and there was a little baby one too! We found out that it was only about 3 weeks old from some locals. It was amazing. They were jumping and spinning all around us for quite a while. We swam with them until after noon, and then hung out in our kayak and ate our sandwiches. The water was only about 40 feet deep and crystal clear, and we would dive down and they would just swim with us there. I thought for sure that one of the adolescent one's was going to ram me, just to play, but then thought better of it! After they went away, we kayaked to the other side of the bay and snorkeled with beautiful fish, and coral. We also played with the crabs on the rocks on the shore, and weird sea cucumber things! Frankie found a ring for me wedged between two rocks, that will always remind me of that day...

Mmmmm.... Centipedes

2008-06-17T17:44:00.005-06:00

Hey all, just wanted to put some more pictures up, since I never do! Hey, at least I try to blog! Anyways, we have been trying to enjoy Hawaii more by going on different hikes with gorgeous views, and eating the local cuisine... yummmmmy. :) We are moving out of our place in 2 weeks, so are getting ready for that and Frankie is heading off to Kansas, to do some training, because he is an alternate to go over to Afghanistan. He will not be going most likely, but it is a possibility. I am going to be in Idaho chillin' with the fam for the summer while he is away... so that will be good. Other than that, everything is good here in paradise!

IDAHO

2008-05-07T01:06:00.002-06:00

Frankie and I went to Idaho over my spring break to spend some time with the fam. We went snowboarding with my brother Tyler. It was fun to see snow again, since we haven't in forever. Frankie decided to give me a closer look of the snow as you can see. It was a good trip, besides the fact that Frankie and I both had a hard time adjusting to the weather, and the high of 36 degrees the whole time we were there. We both got a little sick, but it was still fun. We loved seeing all of our nieces and nephews and my brothers and sisters and mom and dad. Good times.

Seabee Ball

2008-05-07T00:27:00.003-06:00

A while ago Frankie and I attended the Seabee Ball. It was a good time and these are the only pictures I have from it. These are all the wives of the guys Frankie works with, and my friends out here in Hawaii.

Frankie and the CEC crew! Go J.O.'s! (Junior Officers) :)

Extreme Paintball!

2008-03-12T20:52:00.003-06:00

It has been such a long time since I have blogged, but I do have a few pictures and events that have been fun that I need to catch up on. School has just been really crazy! Anyways... obviously we went paintballing! We went last Saturday all day, and it was awesome! We set it up to go with a bunch of our friends from Frankie's work, and it was so fun! We played on a huge course, with a ton of other people, and played capture the flag, sortof... The flag is in the middle of the field and a person from either team has to grab it and then get it to the other teams recharge zone. It was crazy! Frankie was the flagmaster of the day, and we got two bags of free paintballs. I was proud! Then they played a game called Church, where 16 people volunteer to be in the middle of the field in a building with a few windows, and then the rest of the 60-80 people, try to get them, but the only shots that count have to be a direct hit to the eye area on the mask. Frankie, of course volunteered, with a couple of the other guys... Travis and Jake, and now they all have at least 50 welts! Right after that we played in a smaller course with just our friends... and then Frankie and I played one on one.... and I won! 3 Times! :) Thats right... girls rule, boys drool.

That's me on the far left... I look ferocious! Actually, I wore a hoody, because I did not want the paintballs to hurt me too bad. :) I loved it..

Merry Christmas!!

2007-12-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone~Merry Christmas! Or Mele Kalikimaka! We have had a wonderful year in Hawaii, and are especially thankful this time of year for all we have. We have eachother, family and friends, and miss all of you. We are especially thankful for our Savior and for the meaning of this day. We had a great Christmas and loved all of the gifts from our families. We ended up getting eachother almost exactly the same thing! Shoes and ipods! No, Frankie did not get me a doggy, we were housesitting for some friends and had a great time at their house laying by the pool today after we opened our gifts! We hope that these pictures may entice you to visit us!! LOVE YA!!

I am an Auntie, of kid #11

2007-12-09T03:06:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to my sister Tara, she had her little baby girl onDecember 8th, 2007. She weighed 6 lbs. 9 oz. and was 20 inches long. Probably the littlest Dueling baby ever! My fam usually has behemoth babies! She is sooooo cute... I am pretty sure her name is Mylee Joe... unless my sister changed her mind... I will find out more tomorrow. My sis has had quite the year... from eloping, basically, and then having a little bambino. I am so happy for you Tara Belara! YAY! Love ya!

These are a few of my favorite things!

2007-12-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

My gorgeous sistas!!

My Frankie & life always being an adventure.

Being proud of my hubby... yes that is him with Mr. President Bush

Sunsets

My weirdo sisters, and new weirdo sister, Amanda!

Getting married and gaining the best family ever.

The Beach...

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-07T12:50:00.001-07:00

We just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Frankie is now the most senior Ensign, or the bull Ensign, as they call it. He received a nice little hat for it. The tall guy is Commanding Officer Maurer. Frankie got a new job for NAVFAC and his areas cover the West Oahu bases. He is busy and is in charge of the funding for projects around the bases. We have both been so busy; Frankie with work, and myself with school. We can't complain though, because we live in stinkin' Hawaii!! It is so great here. We have been fortunate to have Frankie's Granddad and Barbara visit twice for a short time. We wish we were able to make it home for the Holidays, but I am taking a winter session class, and we are also house-sitting for some friends. Plus, it gets expensive flying from here! We cannot believe we have been here over a year. It has gone so fast! We want to wish everyone a warm holiday season! Love ya!

Fun in Philly!

2007-08-06T00:31:00.001-06:00

The whole time Frankie and I lived in NY we never made it to Philadelphia! We were talking about it one day and the next day Frankie was asked to go to a conference there from Hawaii! Go figure! It was for SAME or the Society of American Military Engineers. So, we flew out like a week and a half later and enjoyed a nice week in Philly where we not only got to see the sights, like Independence Hall ( not pictured), the state Capitol,

famous parks and a great historical city... but the best part was we got to see our Family and friends Greg and Anna, who are getting married in about a month, YAY! It was so nice. It was cold though, early May, especially after being in Hawaii and California for so long. We didn't have the right kind of clothes.... like coats, but it was really a fun trip! We are so blessed and so thankful to have been able to go! I wish you could all see the video of Frankie running up the Stairs at the Philadelphia Museum of Art (the Rocky stairs), it was ridiculous! Love ya all!

Frankie the Shipboarding Officer aboard the USS Ronald Reagan

2007-07-19T21:23:00.001-06:00

A cool experience I really wanted to post. Since Frankie is the Shipboarding Officer for all foreign and US Navy ships he got to bill the USS Ronald Reagan and supply some of their services; he also was able to get me to go on a tour of it with him. It was an awesome experience, the picture with the helicopter flying by it doesn't to it justice, because it doesn't have the front end of it, but it was huge. When it pulled into port it was really cool. All the guys were in their whites standing around the flight deck and there were 3 helicopters flying around it and a couple of other boats to protect it. All of the jets were out on the deck as well, which we got to go on, as you can see. We went up to the house and got a great view of the ship and also the Arizona Memorial in the background where soldiers from the Pearl Harbor attack are still inside the hull of that ship under the water and the USS Missouri is the ship behind it that was retired pretty recently. And there is Frankie in his camoflauge and hard-hat :) what a dork. But I am really proud of him for all of his hard-work.

Technical Difficulties? :)

2007-07-19T20:46:00.001-06:00

Hey Everyone! We know it has been so long since we blogged, but we had a technical difficulty, actually I thought I had a technical difficulty, but I was actually trying to log on with the wrong account and I thought we got booted off blogger. Oops! So, now it is time to catch up on some pictures and what we have been up to. Here are a couple of pictures of us at a midpoint of a gorgeous ATV ride, and then in a Helicopter with a view of the mountains of Kaua'i.
We have been busy hiking, surfing, snorkeling, windsurfing, which we don't actually have pictures of, but we will. Church here is great. We have an awesome ward. Frankie and I teach the Valiant 10 class and he is also 2nd Counselor of the Elders Quorum, so with that and his job he is super busy. We hang out a lot with people from his work and it seems there is always a BBQ, or other social function. Everyone is really fun and active out here; there is always so much to do. We have almost been married 11 months, and we really love it; we honestly can't believe that in a month it will have been a year already. It has gone by so fast and it is so much fun! Being in Hawaii is really like an extended honeymoon, besides the whole work and soon to be school thing, but it really feels like being on vacation everyday. We get to enjoy the beach regularly and the mountains, and the ocean and are just so blessed to be here, although we still do miss our awesome friends and family back on the mainland and around the world. Everyone better come visit us!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2007-01-05T23:15:00.001-07:00

Christmas in Hawaii was a little strange, only because it was 80 degrees outside. Frankie and I got into the spirit of it by getting our little special tree. It was pretty crooked and the backside was barren of any needles... but we loved it. We made it look pretty good, I would say! :) Christmas was really great. We decided to get eachother tickets to the Pro Bowl coming up in February, and let our gifts be all of our snorkeling gear that we bought for eachother about 3 weeks before Christmas! Our families were great and sent us so many gifts, so our little tree was full of presents to open up on Christmas morning. We had fun and are so thankful for our families being so generous and thoughtful.

Our Place in Kailua, Hawaii!

2007-01-05T18:51:00.001-07:00

We finally have our pictures of our new place for all of you to see! We love it! We got so lucky, because it came fully furnished, red couches and all...they actually grew on us and this place really feels like a home. Right now while typing this I am looking out of our huge windows at our view of gorgeous green mountains. The beach is only about 3/4 of a mile away. Our apartment complex also has a gym, pool, jacuzzi, BBQ area, and tennis and raquetball courts. It's pretty sweet. The only bad thing is we only have one bedroom, so when ya'all come to visit it might be a pretty tight squeeze! I get to be next to Frankie though! :) We love ya and miss ya and hope you are all able to come visit us in paradise.

ALOHA!

2006-12-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

Aloha from Hawaii! Frankie and I have had quite a year, from getting engaged, to graduating, to getting married, to moving twice and now we are finally settled in our real first place together in Hawaii. We have been so lucky and blessed and really want to share our experiences with all of our family and friends.